milano-love.jpgI have been immensely enjoying my selfish derailment from the original intent of this blog. Instead of the writing advicey, ‘how-to’ kinds of stuff I had promised to upfront, readers will hopefully sense I’ve been basking in my occasionally narcissistic renderings of my awkward, budding youth. However, a special reader has asked me to write about a topic he perceives I know well. Though I worry I will spoil how the story of young N.K. and her life of intimate relationships turns out in doing so, I thought I’d offer some of my more recent learnings for one of my special visitors (I wanted to say ‘pretty ones’ but I didn’t think readers would get the Anne Sexton reference and deem me more imbalanced than I occasionally am).

Moving right along, I have been asked specifically to talk about how Indian guys can succeed at scoring white chicks. For various reasons I get a little nervous attacking the issue in this way. So, I’ve decided to speak more to how Indian guys, especially those more culture bound, can perhaps begin to date and have Western style relationships if that is what they seek.

****DISCLAIMER****
By no means am I making grand cultural assumptions or generalizations about Indians or Westerners here. These impressions are entirely based on my personal, individual experiences. I am more than happy to receive comments on alternative experiences!

So what makes me an expert on Indians who want to date Western style? I, as an American chick, have felt a relatively steady attraction to Indian culture and men throughout my early to mid twenties. I have been mostly attracted to NRI’s (non-resident Indians living abroad) who are more culture-bound and maintain their traditional ties. For a while, I wasn’t exactly sure why. On a very primal level, I think brown is beautiful. I can’t tell you how many liquid brown eyes, heads of thick, dark hair, and various shades of brown I have been attracted to over the years. Beyond that, I’ve always loved the dynamic and savory food that warms my belly and soul much more than my tongue. Who knew there was life outside of mac and cheese and apple pies?! Even as a lover of all sorts of ethnic cuisines, Indian food has especially taught me how to experience the richness, complexity, and communal intimacy of taking substance into ones body. Indian food has taught me how to eat.

Anyway, when I met my first Indian friends in college I felt almost an immediate bond with them. I was in a major I didn’t particularly love but felt it offered me a distinct way to support myself because no one else would. I would have reveled in studying English, art or psychology, but I was sort of cornered into an area of science that would bear practical, working world results. Or, so I was told. I didn’t meet many other Western students with this same mentality. Basically I saw a bunch of American kids, dilly-dallying around in classes I would have thrived in, drunk at frat parties, and driving SUV’s on their parents dime. It made me confused and mad. I thought everyone in college had to save their whole lives just to be there learning, like me. The people who often really understood the pressure of being in a field you weren’t in love with to reach a more practical, often imposed goal were Indian students. Perhaps the Indian kids and I had more choice than we had initially thought, but regardless, we were kind of stuck in the same boat together. So, navigating these waters encompassed a sense of duty, responsibility, discipline, and often a deep appreciation of subjects we felt we couldn’t study freely (religion, sociology, music, etc.).

The Indians I knew in college also tended to volunteer like me, they traveled like I traveled (minimally, rough and balls out) and seemed to roll with a humility and selflessness I found uncanny and more typical of perhaps an older generation.

So I have had a good personal history with Indian people and India itself.

And then there are the alleged Coconuts. I’ve always been skeptical of the Coconuts. These guys appear (and often boast) they are white on the inside and brown on the outside. Coconuts, by definition, aren’t really all that down with perpetuating their Indian roots in terms of religion, food, culture, and so on. Currently, there is a pretty distinct pocket of Coconuts who identify closely with hip-hop culture. Anyway, Coconuts appear to have an easier time with Western style relationships. This might be because they truly feel more comfortable dating non-Indian people or more Western/American minded people. Or, Indians who identify more closely with American ways could come from more non-traditional families. However, for Coconuts who come from more traditional families, I am skeptical that they somehow seek Western ways out of shame, confusion, rebellion, uneasiness or contempt for their own upbringing.

The point of this post isn’t to address Coconuts–perhaps I will further down the line. After all, Coconuts already “seem” to have an easier time dating Western chicks. It’s just that pesky Indian, culture-bound family that seems to cause problems for the “Western minded couple” :) . However, I have always suspected that you can take the boy out of India, but you can’t ever fully take the India out of the boy. Ah, one of the things I love about the conundrum of India is, to quote a favorite book, that no matter what, “India always wins.” Of the hundreds of places I have been abroad, even just one month in India changed me like no place else. At times India may be obtuse, nauseating, downright criminal or insane to the Western mind, but in the end, I tend to believe it never leaves you. Especially if you are Indian. In the end, India always wins.

So these posts are for those boys who realize their Indianness and struggle with how it affects their desires to want to date like we do in the West. The questions that arise from these problems are “How would this go over with my family?” “How do I handle all the emotions of dating, ‘hook ups,’ and the ambiguities of relationships having little knowledge, experience, and support from family with such?” (i.e. most traditional Indians are raised to believe the arranged marriage is the destined, dutiful way). “How would I balance two different worlds, one being exploring more Western notions of love and Indian notions of dharma, duty, responsibility to my community?” “Can I ever really date/have a relationship/marry like a Westerner does given what I have been taught and have come to know my whole life as an Indian?”—perhaps that is the essential question.

These are really tough, legitimate questions. Every individual will answer them to different and varying degrees. The first, most basic thing I would always say is that to whatever extent one embraces their Indianness (and that may actually take a while to figure out) be proud. I’ve seen many Indian guys who kind of underplay their Indianness for the sake of fitting in or to not scare, offend, or weird-out Westerners (BAH!). I’m not saying you have to go around wearing an India badge on your arm or refuse to shave that mustache, but be proud of where you come from no matter what. I know that’s actually a pretty general statement but I think it needs to be said. It took me a long time to embrace my small town, barely there public education, and lack of money growing up. But it’s a part of who I am and I cannot hide from it. The same goes if you were raised as a Greek Orthodox, a gypsy, or an Indian. Someone once told me that when in New York, true New Yorkers can spot a phony a mile a way. New Yorkers just want you to be who you are, to be real. Embrace who you are and where you come from. Don’t be afraid to show it to the world–the people worth it will want to see.

Well, I think I will leave things right here for now. Hopefully, I’ve given a good primer for where I’m going next in addressing the big questions. Stay tuned for the practical, more “how-to” specifics in my next post…