Wecome to my second installment of addressing a reader’s question regarding how Indian men can learn to date more Western style!
****DISCLAIMER****
By no means am I making grand cultural assumptions or generalizations about Indians or Westerners here. These impressions are entirely based on my personal, individual experiences. I am more than happy to receive comments on alternative experiences!
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In my experience with dating several, more culture bound, second-generation Indian guys I have noticed the following trends:
1. Indian guys are even more clueless than Western guys in dating and relationships. Major historical and sociological factors support this discrepancy. For women wanting to understand most men in the West, go buy Greg Behrendts’s, He’s Just Not That Into You. You should have most of your questions answered there. To be frank, American dudes are more straightforward and easier to read. Even though things are changing, Indians do not often have parents, family, or friends all that experienced, knowledgeable, or supportive in terms of helping them understand the process of meeting someone, dating, and perhaps getting married. In some more traditional Indian circles in America, dating is still frowned upon as a violation of one’s duty to family and society. Thus, arranged marriage still the remains the chief main method for union.
2. Due to inexperience the area, Indian guys may have more trouble dealing with the overwhelming feelings that arise when dating. Because Indian society often programs its people to be with ONE person and ONE person only (your spouse) it can be harder for Indian guys to learn how to date several people and take things less seriously. I think it’s harder for Indian guys to fathom being intimate with more than one person in physical and emotional ways. To be frank, Indian guys seem to have a propensity to fall faster and harder. Again, many more tradition bound Indians are used to a sort of MEET, MARRY, then figure it all out later process. The commitment in arranged marriage situations is made UPFRONT so re-programming this mentality can be tricky. Hopefully, I can offer some solutions to help Indian guys attack dating with a more measured approach to help safeguard their feelings.
Bearing these two major trends in mind, I wish to offer kind of a Western style dating primer for Indian guys. American tends to do the reverse of how traditional Indian unions proceed. For us in the West, it is usually approached as follows: meet, hang out, date, then date exclusively (for a while…1-3 years typically), and perhaps even make a greater commitment like marriage.
1. Tips about meeting and approaching women is a whole blog onto itself. In a nutshell, the best way to meet others is to be an interesting person. I don’t know how to instruct people to do that either. But I can say people who have a zest for life, love of learning, and inquisitive, nonjudgmental way of looking at the world are most appealing. Develop hobbies, interests of your own and pursue them. It builds confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. Don’t go to a damn cooking class as a primary way to meet people. Attend a class, a lecture, or join a team because you are genuinely interested in it. A nice byproduct of being an interesting person is meeting other interesting people at venues you are genuinely interested in. Most, if not all, of the best relationships bud serendipitously while you’re living your life.
2. While you are pursuing your interests, keep your eyes open and your radar antenna for dating possibilities up. I make a special note of this because many Indian guys tend to be a little oblivious to signals that women are interested in them. For example, a significant reason I have had success with Indian guys is because I have an extremely outgoing personality. At times I can sort of bust right into intense conversation which I have found Indian guys to quite like (white guys find it unsettling and distastefully bold because THEY tend to like being the chasers). Indian guys have typically LOVED being pursued by me. But not that many women are like me. On a whole, women expect YOU to chase THEM. So, you have to learn to chase.
3. Now, how to chase. Start slow. Talk. Causally. Listen, nod, feel out if you are genuinely interested in her as well as vice versa. Is she looking at you, smiling, playing with her hair, seeming to enjoy talking with you? Those are good signs. If she’s trying to get away from you, busy tooling around with her friends or ANOTHER GUY, she’s probably not that into you. If you read GO signals, ask her to a casual coffee (or ask to buy her a drink if you are at a bar). I repeat. CASUAL. COFFEE. JUST A VODKA TONIC. START SLOW.
4. Dealing with rejection. Crap. You read the signals wrong. She has a boyfriend. She wormed her way out with some sorry excuse. She let you buy her a drink and she ditches you. Crap! Rejection. But remember how you started slow? This is merely a casual rejection. No big deal, there will be more. Take it easy. Again, I stress taking it easy because I have met so many highly idealistic Indian men who take rejections extremely hard. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogetts before your find your princess. So take it easy, be cool, and don’t take these minor slights too hard. NEXT!
5. The girl wants coffee! Cool! A minor victory. Throw on a nice shirt, shave, and have fun casually hanging out. See where it goes. If it goes poorly, it’s just another minor slight remember? Buck up! There will be more! If it goes well, YOU need to ask her to go on a date. Like, a dinner date. Don’t drag it out, you are again still very new and casual.
6. Again, remember the emotions and chemicals of attraction are very strong. For the first few months use your head instead of your heart. Though you might want to dive in head over heels, Western style works best when you give things time to develop, room to grow. So have fun, try not and take things too seriously in these early stages.
*****So, it might be really tough to be bold, ask to buy girls drinks or out on dates. In fact, it can be terrifying and does involve some risk. But this is part of riding the Western dating wave. It can be exciting too!******
Now when I first started learning about all this stuff I found this Indian guy’s blog posts to be interesting and helpful:
Dating Indian Men Part I:
http://blog.libranlover.net/2006/04/dating-indian-men-i.html
Dating Indian Men Part II:
http://blog.libranlover.net/2006/04/dating-indian-men-ii.html
Indian Men and Interracial Dating:
http://blog.libranlover.net/2005/07/indian-men-and-inter-racial-dating.html
That’s all for now! I’ll see where we’re at with comments and think about a third post…
February 26, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I’m completely clueless and shy. Most people here start some kind of casual dating by the time they are 16, I fear being a clumsy 22 year old, lol.
Traditional marriage is pretty much live,most love marriages that take place are two good friends, who fall in love.
Here, in the US I’ve seen guys walk up to total strangers and ask them out.That, is like so hard for me to do, and I find is insane for a girl to say, yes to a guy she hardly knows.
I always wanted to learn dance and I also took a rock climbing course. The girls did not seem interested,maybe I had kind of an sensual attraction to them thats all ,a lot treated me like an alien from some other planet,i never got to make friendship with them,lol.I had a lot of fun in the course,though.
My work kind of involves helping univ, students and I get to meet a lot of girls, abet on a professional level. I’m really bad at interpreting signals,I’m like there last hope to fix they’re issue.So,most seem to be extra sweet to me.Most,end up using “My Boyfriend….”.I’ve ended up having interesting conversations with girls, which lead nowhere.Usually, when I have a similar conversation with a guy,he ends gives me his phone number or a email.
I have asked only one girl out,I really liked her,she came in a lot of times and we would talk a while.She gave me the your cute crap and then turned me down saying she was going through a bad.
Anyways, I think I suck, hehe.
February 27, 2008 at 2:51 am
You don’t suck. Chin up, part three will be addressing some of these things you brought up and some issues R just brought to my attention.
You remind me so much of R when he describes his youth
February 27, 2008 at 3:48 am
Hey, 6 mile! I am NK’s R. She told me a little bit about you, and it sounds like you are going through a lot of what I went through. It is tough, being from India and having a strong Indian cultural background, but trying to learn about the Western style of dating. I certainly felt a little intimidated at times, particularly due to the fact that I started learning so late and didn’t have the upbringing to prepare me for the idea of dating. All I can advise is that, if you want to do it, don’t give up. I wasted a lot of time mulling over perceived letdowns or embarrassments, and let myself get really bummed out. I really hurt myself by doing this, and wish I had realized how little a rejected advance really meant in the scheme of things. Don’t beat yourself up if you get rejected…it is not YOU who is losing out. And realize that each rejection also teaches you a little bit more about dating. It doesn’t take long, especially for smart folks like us, to really catch up to the rest of the daters in terms of knowing the game. Good luck!
February 27, 2008 at 5:42 am
6mile, you do NOT suck! Do NOT have that attitude my friend. It can only hurt YOU in the long run. I think NK has really nailed how us American women deal with dating. Sometimes, women are more scared of the dating scene than you think. It could be the culture they were raised in as well, but many times, the “my boyfriend” thing is just an excuse because they simply are trying not to hurt your feelings by saying, “i’m just not that interested in you.” Other times, they’re just plain scared because it’s a place/situation that they’ve never been in..an interracial relationship. My parents did NOT allow me nor my brother to date until we turned 16. So to be honest, you’re not the only one late to the game, so we’re learning together
February 27, 2008 at 5:44 am
Oh, and NK thanks for those links you posted above. I am definitely going to check those out myself.
February 27, 2008 at 8:15 am
Hi ! guys, NK makes me sound like you R and ara makes me sound like CS
. Its nice to get to hear from R 
.Sometimes, I feel like I’m not a really good person, and most girls deserve better than me, be it Indian or American. Other times, I feel bad about wanting a total cultural exogamy,I feel why am I this way.
No wonder arranged marriages are so much easier, lol. Grad school, is kinda heavy on me these days, but things should get better.
One, thing I have noticed is, dating is not always meeting up with a random stranger,girls usually hook up guys they think are nice with they’re roommates. Most guys seem to know a lot of girls who act like guardian angels.School friends of school friends.Even parents chip in sometimes.Its like they have a entire structure, if you know what I mean.
Eagerly, awaiting your third post
I’m not finding time to write new stuff,I’m thinking of writing about my roomies, i dunno if i should really,who am i to take a morally higher ground, sometimes i think they are the guys pushing me to marry an American:)
February 27, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Aw, these are great thoughts guys, thanks! I am curious to hear about your roomates 6mile!
August 13, 2008 at 12:59 pm
i think that the author has omitted a huge part about…impression that western women and men have about indian men. its largely a negative one..of course we are nice but because of the a big difference in background, we lack the social graciousness and its hard for us to be good talkers. i could try to state a lot of things but in a nutshell..were not cool or alphamale-ish. so even if we understand completely the psychology of westerners, we just cant BE attractive enough for them – in most cases.
its just fine considering the cultural difference but the problem is that we find you attractive because of the white skin, physical features and the general advancement of the western societies(another topic thats got more to it) at this point.
so the bigest problem for indians here is not a lack of understanding but a lack of physical and attitudinal(is that even a word) attractiveness.
so it really doesnt matter what steps we follow..its going to be hard for us for the moment.
August 13, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Hey pocket aces! Welcome…and thanks for your thoughts.
Hummm…I can’t say that I haven’t honestly thought some of the things that you said. However, *I* am not someone in a position to be saying such things because I am not Indian. I am assuming you are…and stating those kinds of generalizations is much more kosher coming from someone who IS Indian.
But since you said it, I have noticed the lack of alpha-maleness…and for the most part I have been personally attracted to that. I can’t stand the big, macho white-dude attitude I feel I’ve experienced over and over in the dating world.
What can I say? I kind of go for the brainy, clever, nerdy, shy guy…and if he happens to be white…great! But I have noticed that more with Indian guys…
And, if you’ve read, I think brown is beautiful
. Just my preference. Doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else.
Stop by again!
August 14, 2008 at 4:30 am
I have to agree with NK. The longer I go, the more I notice that I am simply seldom attracted to white men, and they are seldom attracted to me, which is fine. Yeah, I have totally noticed the non-alpha-male thing, which I find great. I can’t STAND some guy trying to make me feel like I should be a scared little girl that needs protecting all the time. I don’t mind it on occassion, but all the time is way too much.
Nk, I am not currently dating CS etc anymore, but I have remained friends with him..against my better judgement at the moment *that’s a whole another story.* Anyway, I guess I must mention him frequently, because when mom came to visit, she asked me if I was dating him. I told her no, not anymore, that we had for a short period of time. She told me that either way, it was fine as long as he treats me right, that it doesn’t bother her. That makes me feel better, yet a little dumb that I hid it from her anyway. I was afraid she would be against me dating a non-American, since obviously skin color isn’t an issue with her LOL.
August 14, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Hi, ara! As I have been re-entering the real world and surfing the web I gather you are going through a really rough time right now. I am sorry.
I think you do mention CS frequently, too
.
Yea since the whole hooplah with me and R’s family I’ve really come to appreciate how my parents could give a bat’s ass where R’s from, what job he has, and what color his skin is. All these things matter to R’s parents…I’ve just chosen not to give a bat’s ass what they think
. Heheh…I can still be respectful and choose a different way to think, act.
Anyway…maybe it would be better to take a real, long break from CS? I don’t know what the answer is. He sounds like the kind of guy who always wants to have his foot in the door with you…and yes, he’s confused…but he might go nuts if you cut communication. The question is..can you do that and do you want to do that. You have to decide. Personally I think this guy has dinked around too long…you are a catch ara!! Know your worth!
August 15, 2008 at 5:26 am
Honestly, while you were away, a few weeks back, he just did too much to me. It felt like he made something break inside, and I am not letting that part ever come back. He does know how I feel about him, as well as the female friend of MINE that he is now dating. He told me to either get a boyfriend or find him a girlfriend so I could get over him. I had already told him I could not hang out anymore because he was hurting me too much. He begged me not to..against my better judgement.
I don’t think the communication thing will bother him too much. He’s been gone to a physics conference since Sat..but I have not spoke to him in a week now. No calls, voicemails, IM’s, emails..nada. I think if I was important to him, he would have made an effort, even if he is a bit busy. I know he’s been checking his emails, he won’t go without that..so I am simply an expendable item to him. He’ll probably call when he gets back because he’ll need a ride somewhere..or a ride to meet the girl/my friend, that he is dating. Yeah, the guy that couldn’t be seen or let me tell anyone we were dating, but now it doesn’t bother him. So apparently, he was embarassed to be seen with me while we were “dating.” So, basically, I am finished with him because he’s turned out to be more American than most guys I know FROM here. This week away from him was the clean break from him that I needed. No, I didn’t want to cut communication with him, but I have been working on doing it for a few weeks now because it is apparent that I need to do so. As for seeing my worth, that is not very obvious to me right now, but I am not worrying about it either. As I told someone recently, I always end up with schmucks, and this time, I really think I am done because I just cannot do this anymore. Such is life..
Enough about my issues, we all can’t wait to hear more about your trips. We want pictures!!! I may never get to see that part of the world, so I want pictures from REAL people.. not something the tv or National Geographic shows us
I am so glad your burn healed up 
August 15, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Ugh, what a user and a jerk! ara, you definitely need to get this guy out of your life, and you are the one who needs to take control and cut him off. I know it’s not easy, but he’s going to continue to drag you down every time you see or talk to him, and that’s just not healthy. A real friend wouldn’t continue to hurt you like that. Same goes for the friend that he’s dating — she sounds no better than he is. Stay strong and remember that a lot of people think you’re a great person!
Welcome back, NK! I can’t wait to see some pictures, too.
August 15, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Hello ladies! Thanks for stopping by–D it’s good to read your words!! (Hahah instead of hear your voice).
I kinda gotta go with D here… I totally had to read this too… but you should read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” It’s a hard truth but if guys want something THEY will step it up and work for it. If they don’t?? You deserve and CAN be with someone who will!!
Ok so ara, D, and whoever else interested, go ahead and email me and I will send you my kodakphotogallery pics. I’m outing myself here, you’ll get to see what R and I look like! Am I ready to unveil myself?? Hhhahah…
August 16, 2008 at 4:40 am
Thanks D and NK, I appreciate the words of advice, I promise I AM listening. NK, I emailed you LOL.. if you’re ready to remove the veils LOL.
August 16, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I might be missing it…where’s your e-mail address?