oreo.jpgAfter considering feedback from my lovely, intimate group of readers here, I wanted to addresses a few more issues that may arise when Indian guys take a stab at dating Western style.

My initial advice was for Indian guys just to go right up to girls they find cute and chat with them. R, my Chief Indian Correspondent (CIC), said it isn’t always that simple. As I said in my last post, I have always thought brown is beautiful. So for me it’s hard to imagine race barriers. However, as my CIC pointed out, there are many instances where Western women simply won’t give an Indian guy a chance for reasons beyond his personal character.

Perhaps some Westerners just aren’t attracted to brown guys. That’s ok and not wrong at all. But I can’t help but think there is something more to what some Westerners associate with being Indian…

First of all, India gets a bad rap in the American media. It’s a poorly misunderstood place and many Westerners have all sort of absurd notions about Indians. I won’t go into those specifics, but as a lover of Indian culture, it makes me sad. Not many people know that India is an incredibly complex and mesmerizing place as is its people. So, when an Indian guy takes on Western ways of dating, he may confront many ignorant views and misconceptions about who Indians are.

As I further consider what I see going down at “meat market” bars what R-CIC says makes more sense. As much as I know and love about Indians, I don’t represent the Western cultural norm. So R-CIC cautions that Indians can be turned down just because of the color of their skin. This factor makes it less easy to “just go up and talk to a girl!” as I originally suggested. I still say, Indian guys shouldn’t stop trying. I’d say, don’t stop talking to people, being inquisitive, interested, and engaging. If stereotypes and myths are the reasons for being rejected, they have got to break down somewhere. And this usually comes through personal contact. However, when you’re not feeling like a cultural maverick, you might scope out more “Indian friendly” establishments with a mix of people from all sorts of backgrounds. These tend to be the places I hang out as well. Usually I am more comfortable in a group of mixed people from all different backgrounds versus establishments that seem to almost exclusively attract the “white crowd.”

Another issue R-CIC brought up is that Indian dudes tend to keep issues of dating and relationships on the down-low with their family, friends, and specifically parents. Westerners tend to keep their parents more in the loop in terms of who they are more seriously dating. This can cause conflict. On one hand, you might have an American girl saying, “Ugh you’re 28 and you can’t tell your parents about us? What? You have no balls.” And the Indian dude might reply, “Look it’s truly different in Indian culture. None of us tell our parents about who we’re with until we are about to get engaged. Dating isn’t the cultural norm for us…and telling our parents about our dating can actually be seen as a sign of disrespect.” So, what has to happen here is establishing some middle ground. Perhaps the American girl won’t meet the parents until they are super serious. But, the Indian guy has to a least tell his parents that he is dating someone Western style. He can tell his parents he’s not doing this out of disrespect but as a personal choice he felt compelled to make. Well, that’s at least what R and I did :) . Another nuance to this is that when Americans tell their families they are dating someone seriously it usually doesn’t imply they are going to indefinitely marry this person. Often in Indian culture, even the knowledge of a significant other can send the message that marriage is imminent. Again, see Part II…traditionally Indians meet and marry then get to know each other. Anyway, the secrecy/openness can be a significant issue as Indian/American relationships progress. To quote R, “I think there is a balance between understanding an Indian guy’s need to be sure about what he is doing before revealing things to the family/friends/social network and a western girl’s need to be open and embraced, not hidden.”

Now, the even more interesting stuff happens when you get past dating and into more serious territory :) . Indians and Westerners have all sorts of comfort zones. Some are more liberal and open-minded and some are more traditional and conservative. I’ll admit right out that I have sort of a bias towards understanding more traditional/conservative Indians versus traditional/conservative Americans. Here’s why. One example that is many Indians are Hindu, at least the ones I’ve known, and the religion is pretty open, fluid and condisive to co-existing with other faiths–I dig this. Hinduism makes no claims about who’s Saved, or Chosen, or will be sucked up in a Rapture as believed in many conservative/fundamentalist sects of American religions. Hinduism is much more of an inclusive, open system of belief. Traditional/conservative Indians can be hard headed and cling fiercely to nonsensical beliefs in other areas though. I guess I just find Indian hard headed beliefs much, much easier to deal with than many of the exclusion based traditional/conservative American beliefs I have seen expressed. Plus, in my mind you get a crapload of overwhelming benefits from the T/C Indian side that I thoroughly enjoy: vibrant saris, insider info on one of the most fascinating countries in the world, food that makes my knees weak, and an intuitive, rich sense of spirituality. This love and admiration I have for many things Indian won’t change the conflicts and annoyances that will inevitably arise with in-laws and family. I think it will, however, help lighten the load. So, this all contributes to my bias and personal comfort zone.

So as more of a liberal/open-minded person, dealing with a T/C Indian family is actually much easier for me than dealing with a T/C American family.

My point is, if you are an Indian from a L/O-M family you and a T/C Westerner could probably work things out. If you are an Indian from L/O-M family you and a L/O-M probably have an even better shot. If you are an Indian from a T/C family trying to be with a T/C Westerner you will likely have a challenge on your hands.

As one of my other gurus, CT, suggested…

“It seems to me, if you have two conservative traditionalists, one on the Indian side of the spectrum and one on the conservative, Western side, they are naturally going to butt heads. If you have one traditional, conservative and an open-minded yielding person on the other end, it’s going to be so much easier.”

So when/if things get more serious these are the things you have to consider. Even if you are an Indian dude willing to go to bat for everything your T/C Westerner wants with your T/C family, you should think hard. I know situations where this has seemed to work, but it doesn’t come without strife, anger, and diligent problem solving.

Beyond the personal love an Indian and Westerner might share, I would encourage both partners to think about their limits and feel out their comfort zones when considering family, friends, and raising children. So I came out and said my personal bias, and while I won’t opt to hang in such circles, I really have nothing personal against T/C Americans. It’s more a matter of personal fit, and to quote the old cliche, there really is someone out there for every one. Sometimes this union is found between an Indian and a Westerner, and sometimes, even for reasons beyond their personal love, it is not.