The Milano Has Landed!

When I stumbled upon this curious website I was reminded of how I so enjoy investigating the way other people think–even when my thinking is radically different.  The little youtube’s of the author on the side bar are kind of a hoot…I’m going to have fun addressing this bag of fun in my next post!

http://helpgetmarried.ning.com/

My favorite part of dreaming is that intermezzo between sleep and wake. It’s sort of that last moment you possess control to end a dream in a way that seems to satisfy your rational, waking mind.

I’ve had a reoccurring dream for several years where I am being chased by different Borg-like things through a series of mazes and obstacles. It’s sort of like a frightening video game where I am put through various tests and am trying to hide from, defeat and eventually escape the bad guys. For example, during last nights dream, one phase involved my gouging out one eyeball of each of the two monsters I encountered. After I had killed these two beasts, another test awaited.

Though I inevitably win the challenges, throughout all the variations of this dream I remember feeling utterly exhausted and that I can’t defeat any more murders or monsters. But, the maze is very cluttered and essentially endless. The next phase, the next life threatening situation, is always right around the corner.

During the intermezzo between my dream and wake this morning, I was able to exhibit some control over the outcome. This time, I didn’t simply force myself to wake up as I have habitually in the past. This time I manipulated my dream to let me walk onto a path that lead to an open, green field with small, colorful cartoon-like flowers scattered about. My mind then seemed to speak out loud and say, “Instead of the never ending maze, why don’t you just let yourself go to this open field and be at peace?” And that’s where my dream ended and I woke up next to R.

If anyone out there is dating or in a relationship with someone from a very different cultural background you must see the movie Ae Fond Kiss (2004). Even more specifically, if you are a Westerner dating someone who is Pakistani, Muslim, or Indian (like me) or vice versa this movie has much to offer in the way of inter-cultural dialogue, the tensions, and the challenges that can arise from forging a relationship within such a context.

The story opens featuring Casim(C), a devout, mid-twenty something, Pakistani with dreams of being a professional, club owning deejay. He ends up falling for a blonde, white, Irish music teacher Roisin(R). The stage is set in London where racial tension between Pakistanis and whites can be high. Despite this, the story unfolds in a deeply personal way making one question if the chance at romantic love is always worth it for those bound to Islamic, Pakistani, or even Indian cultures.

C is close with his family and respects many of the Islamic traditions he was brought up with. However, when it comes his personal life, he’s not so certain about following through with the arranged marriage orchestrated by his mother. When he meets R and learns about notions of personal happiness, taking chances, seeing that “twinkle of love” in a partner’s eyes, and responsibility to one’s own heart, he decides he must break off the arranged engagement.

In an incredibly moving scene, C tells his mother the engagement is off and she explains how his actions will shame the family, ostracise them in their closely knit community, and make it much more difficult for her other daughters to marry. The beauty of the scene lies in how practical and relevant the mothers concerns actually are. The script avoids painting her as selfish, obstinate, or irrational–which is easy to do through a Western lens. When the mother asks, “What will I do now C?” it was easy even for a Westerner like me to empathize with her concerns.

Though torn between fulfilling family obligations and following though with responsibilities in his own heart, C maintains his stance on the broken engagement. Several poignant scenes illustrate how difficult this was to actually do. However, R never seemed to really understand or attempt to imagine what being in his shoes must be like. While she urges him to follow his heart she never fully commits to him. She suggests she’s not sure if they will be together forever, jokes about almost screwing another man, and makes sort of cheeky promises that are hard to take seriously. When R’s father stresses that his family will always be for him and to be careful of flaky promises given by non-Muslim girls, R’s stance makes it hard not to fairly consider his warning.

At many points, R does ask questions about C’s family and hopes they will give her a chance in getting to know her. However, as C continues to struggle with his family’s reactions to him living with R and still refusing the engagement, R gets fed up and spouts off all sorts of rash judgements towards his family. C tells R that his father may be many things but he is not mean-spirited or a bigot. C gives examples of the violence and persecution he has experienced from whites as a Pakistani and tries to explain the sources of his father’s desire for him to be with a Muslim girl. R can’t find it in herself to believe and attempt to understand him and continues to blow up at what she writes off as his family’s ignorance, outright rudeness, and racism directed towards whites.

C’s father definitely had his hot-headed moments and demonstrated manipulative actions which clouded his deep caring towards his family. However, in his own way, his undoubted love for his family remains consistent throughout the movie.

When C asks R if she would ever consider being a Muslim, she says no flat out no. She is unwilling to bend from her sort of Western stances in many ways. This is fine, but R compromises in more than a few instances and most significantly rejects his family to live and be with her. I have no doubt it was hard for R to understand his vastly different worldview and even his actions, but considering the level of commitment and compromise she was willing to give in exchange for his actions, it was hard for me to sympathize with her.

In the end, C decides to continue taking a chance on being with R. I suppose taking this chance is what most Westerns do with relative ease. However, and one might argue unfortunately, in R’s case the stakes were much higher. He alienated his entire family and burned bridges that might not ever be repaired. Given R’s predisposition to judging his family and unwillingness to compromise, one really questions whether or not C made the right choice in totally renouncing his family ties.

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This is an example of two more traditional/conservative (T/C) sides clashing. In this case, C was more liberal/open-minded (L/OM) in trying to make things work than R. As demonstrated in my previous Milano Love posts, tension and strife is bound to happen when you have one or more unyielding T/C sides of the interracial/inter-cultural coin…

Thoughts?

I never really mouthed off to my grandmother. She was a lovely, kind, and fair person to my siblings, cousin, and I throughout my entire upbringing. I did, however, mouth off to my mother. Though it was usually for a fairly logical reason, my ever-sweet grandmother would always undermine her craziness and focus on my behavior. As I get older I appreciate her technique more and more as I have found you can’t often change the essential nut jobs in your life but you can change yourself.

Anyway, after one of my rants about my mother, my grandmother would stop preparing a meal or whatever she was doing, put her hands on her hips, squint her eyes while moving her head side to side and say, “Where DID you get all that SASS?!”

My sasstastic history has been a long one. Even in my shoddy relationships and escapades with guys as presented here, I’ve always sassed my mouth off about how things should be. Beyond my coming-of-age confidence issues, my sass has gotten me dumped more than a few times.

Having been a pretty independent person most of my life, my ease in sassing up to indecent, rude, and unfair people in at least my personal life has been pretty easy. Usually, I just don’t associate myself with people who I feel can’t give back what I usually offer: the benefit of the doubt, an open mind, and a listening ear. However, things always get a little more complex (and frustrating!) when dealing with your S.O.’s friends and family who might nor reciprocate this approach.

When you are in a relationship you can’t diss someone’s parents. You can’t diss your partner’s good friends. Most of the time you just have to bite your tongue in those areas. Theoretically I know this, but wrestle with its implementation. Humph. How does this work?

I have always struggled with meeting the parent or friend who isn’t as open, eager to learn, and accepting as I try to be and genuinely am. Now I may sound all high and mighty here, but I do try and take a genuine, friendly interest in my S.O.’s friends & family because I think it’s not only the way to just be with people but because it can be extremely beneficial to your relationship. Cognitively, I know not everyone takes my approach–if they even think about the approach at all. And…maybe they have good reason not to?

Varying approaches to meeting a S.O. friends & family and vice versa include:

1. Being nice, open, genuinely eager to learn about them (my personal approach).

2. Being closed, stand-offish, and purposely a little hesitant to accept to sort of make the other party “work” to be accepted.

3. Being consciously rude to make the other party “work” to be accepted or because you have weird, unresolved issues with the person who is the object of your relationship. Or just being rude for other reasons.

4. Just being yourself without thinking about how you come across. This could be represented in your natural state of rudeness, obliviousness, disinterest, awkwardness, weird or obsessiveness with your friend/SO/family member, kindness, openness, friendliness, or whatever. (I tend to just be myself, too.)

Though I think it’s wise to put your best face forward while also being genuine, I can’t help but wonder it the consciously stand-offishness has its merits? Maybe I’m just being a little too sensitive and reading too much into people being “just themselves” or even giving me a little run for my man? I know that I’ve been particularly on guard with certain friends/family members who come off rude/stand-offish but it has never really affected the way I have treated my man. Actually, if those responses are intended to “scare” a person into being a good GF/BF to their family member or friend it hasn’t worked that way with me. Those kind of friend/family approaches usually have lead to feel more angry and contemptuous of my S.O.. Who knows, perhaps the approach of the friend/family member is to break you up for whatever reason. But if your friend/family member claims to be happy…wouldn’t you try to support them and strengthen their relationship through a little goodwill?

At least that’s usually what I try and project. I do this because I know it’s not easy meeting people close to your S.O.. Relationships are overwhelming enough, what’s wrong with being open and supportive towards people they value in their lives? Even if the S.O. of a friend or friends/family of my S.O. come off as stand-offish or weird, I still try to be myself and put my best face forward. Why? Because it shows support and respect towards your friend and your S.O.! But, like I said, if my goodwill is not reciprocated it’s extremely hard to hold back the sass…

Regardless of the rationale (or lack there of) in how people treat their S.O.’s friends, family, and vice versa, in the end you can’t be sassy about poor, unfair, and sometimes downright rude responses. This is particularly hard for me as I often demand the respect of others because I give it with ease.

I suppose remembering the “relationships are full of compromise and acceptance” shtick will help me come to terms with such issues irrelevant in my former, single life (sigh). And, you can sort of tell your S.O. how his/her friends/family are making you feel. But, you have to let it go. You ultimately have to tolerate and accept.

I guess Grandma was right. Toning down the sass can be a very good thing.

Humph.

What do you guys think?

I wanted these stories to sort of be a trajectory leading to a grand, happy finale. However, sometimes I get caught in the stories, in the past, and find they’re all skewed through the blurry lens of time and memory. It has also been suggested that perhaps I have taken for granted the present and the promising future in my delving deep into things that happened so long ago. If I remember my Bible stories correctly, it was Lot’s wife who looked back on the burning city as her husband attempted to usher her to safety. However, she couldn’t stop looking back. And the fires consumed her too.

Because I’ve always been a Phoenix, I thought that being in such a good place in my life provided the perfect space to reminisce and rehash my coming of age stories in relationships. Though this may very well true in my mind, my Lot has urged me to look away from these crumbling stories and onto what lies before us. And for the first time, I feel compelled to do nothing but take his hand.

It’s so much safer to talk about the bad, the past, and what was *slap palm on the forehead* learned. It is much more difficult to say and dare things aimed at an unseen future. It is hardest to speak the words that have no safety net in yesterday and no guarantee for tomorrow. These are things that must be braved, evoked and left suspended in the unknown of today. Of course I preach this from the pulpit. However, I am often a coward hiding in my own words of yesterday.

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The truth is I’m an annoyingly, pure idealist. In high school, I remember writing a song on my guitar about finding one Sweet Prince who would get all my quirks, passion for art, and worship of Tori Amos. For many years, these idealistic highs were followed by realistic lows.

I coveted my idealism as if it was a gift no one else had. I saved it for the perfect person who wouldn’t devalue things like sex and love as everyone seemed to around me. I clung to this notion throughout high school and even college. Eventually, after living through the experiences I have written about here, I realized it was I who was missing out on the mating, learning processes everyone else seemed to come to know through trial and error. So eventually I gave up on my ideals and plunged into an even seedier abyss than those who had been experimenting all along.

I told a few of those seedy stories here and finally, My Manbattical, let the light in. I came to a point where I didn’t care anymore, wouldn’t let myself chase guys, and kind of dated like a more normal person would. I learned things like letting a guy buy me dinner. Giving just a kiss goodnight. Waiting to see if I really liked him. It took me until I was almost 25 to learn these things.

During phase of un-caring I met someone who loved me for the first time in my life. My friends were shocked when we reached well past our year mark given my history with guys. He treated me well and often with kindness. But he wasn’t right for me, our opposite temperaments eventually repelled and no longer attracted. He broke my heart on a street corner and I retracted into dark, sad thoughts for a long time. Although, I never went as far back to the places I had been before knowing him. Why? Because I had loved and been loved.

Feeling loved, even for a short time, changed my life. It was wonderful, dreadful, and it too eventually broke my heart. Though it took time and perhaps the most courage I ever had to muster, I moved on. To this day, I am better for it.

I’m still not certain if I can say I am a better person for all the experiences I had before my first love though.

After being loved and making it through the fall, I walked a little taller throughout the time I spent single. I knew what it was like to give my whole heart and have it split open. I had battle wounds and pride. I had more to offer than I ever thought possible and I knew it.

I then dated casually, had a shorter relationship, and learned the right way to break up with someone you care about. I learned how to spot toxic guys right away and not give them a second glance. I learned the art of class and discretion in capturing the interest of men. One night, feeling confident in my singledom, I thought I’d have some fun and list the top ten things I’d want in a guy. This idea sort of came from an older friend who said, “You girls have no idea what you want from guys. You go to the grocery store with a list don’t you? Why don’t you have a better idea of what you want?!” So, for hours I lounged around in my studio and thought hard about what I wanted from a guy… long term. I had so much fun with the exercise I wrote probably 20 secondary things that would be bonuses. The exercise gave me even more focus and direction in terms of what I sought from guys. Even more than that, it told me a whole lot about myself.

The one required item I made myself put on the list was that the guy had to really be crazy about me. If he was all other nine things and still wasn’t into me, I had to turn away. And then, I stayed completely true to the list.

After I made that list, most days I was unstoppable, impenetrable in my strength. I took good care of myself and stopped looking for guys. On the days I didn’t feel so strong, I accepted such feelings as transitory. I’d allow myself to wallow a little, but then I’d move on. At the end of tough days, there was really only one logical thing to be anyway: myself.

Two months after making that list I met the man I am with today. I heard somewhere if you find someone who meets 80% of what you are looking for, it’s an excellent match. I’m not sure what percentage he is of that list, but he probably ranks somewhere in the upper 90’s . He is these things and even then more. He is more than I ever expected to find in my whole life. After experiencing all I have, he reminds me of that silly song I wrote when I was 16 about a Sweet Prince. I remember writing the song about no one in particular and vowed to save it for someone completely worthy. Though I have since scoffed, sneered at and even logically dismissed the white horse idea, my R is truly a prince if there ever was one.

Though I love him through a logical, grounded, and grownup lens, I also love him in the same whimsical, warm way I always dreamed I would as an adolescent. He is everything on my list and in my heart.

It seems things have come full circle for me. This must be what overwhelming gratitude and bliss feels like.

So I will close for now in saying that the past has had its time. And I don’t want to hide in it. More than anything, I want to ante up, say the really daring things, and brave an uncertain, promising future with R. It is through this sort of daily chance, an active unknowing, I think a life can be suspended in goodness.

Anthony Bourdain gives advice for travelers…

I can only say to them that I understand how frightening it is when you first go to somewhere even like Tokyo. It’s really intimidating to even feed yourself. The moment when you finally overcome that, when you summon the will to walk into a place filled with people who don’t speak your language, stare at you when you come in, you’re going to be awkward, you’re going to order food and you don’t know what it is, you’re going to do things wrong. Once you’re able to successfully order breakfast for yourself, it’s a really, deeply satisfying moment. Being lost and disoriented is good. Learning little things. That first random act of kindness from a stranger offering you food or showing you where to go or telling you about a really great bar, those have been the most wonderful moments of my life.

All I can say is, do anything to get yourself into that position of being lost and letting things… like eating, travel should be largely submissive. As opposed to cooking, which is not that at all. Let things happen to you, good things and bad things. It’s almost invariably rewarding. And of course, avoid the hotel, avoid Western food, if you see other Westerners, run away. Avoid backpacks, maybe dreadlocks is not a good choice for you if you’re a white guy. Forget who you are. You’re never going to melt into Asia. They won’t have you completely. But that’s okay. You can love them, and you can love Asia, and Asia will love you back.