sassy.jpgI never really mouthed off to my grandmother. She was a lovely, kind, and fair person to my siblings, cousin, and I throughout my entire upbringing. I did, however, mouth off to my mother. Though it was usually for a fairly logical reason, my ever-sweet grandmother would always undermine her craziness and focus on my behavior. As I get older I appreciate her technique more and more as I have found you can’t often change the essential nut jobs in your life but you can change yourself.

Anyway, after one of my rants about my mother, my grandmother would stop preparing a meal or whatever she was doing, put her hands on her hips, squint her eyes while moving her head side to side and say, “Where DID you get all that SASS?!”

My sasstastic history has been a long one. Even in my shoddy relationships and escapades with guys as presented here, I’ve always sassed my mouth off about how things should be. Beyond my coming-of-age confidence issues, my sass has gotten me dumped more than a few times.

Having been a pretty independent person most of my life, my ease in sassing up to indecent, rude, and unfair people in at least my personal life has been pretty easy. Usually, I just don’t associate myself with people who I feel can’t give back what I usually offer: the benefit of the doubt, an open mind, and a listening ear. However, things always get a little more complex (and frustrating!) when dealing with your S.O.’s friends and family who might nor reciprocate this approach.

When you are in a relationship you can’t diss someone’s parents. You can’t diss your partner’s good friends. Most of the time you just have to bite your tongue in those areas. Theoretically I know this, but wrestle with its implementation. Humph. How does this work?

I have always struggled with meeting the parent or friend who isn’t as open, eager to learn, and accepting as I try to be and genuinely am. Now I may sound all high and mighty here, but I do try and take a genuine, friendly interest in my S.O.’s friends & family because I think it’s not only the way to just be with people but because it can be extremely beneficial to your relationship. Cognitively, I know not everyone takes my approach–if they even think about the approach at all. And…maybe they have good reason not to?

Varying approaches to meeting a S.O. friends & family and vice versa include:

1. Being nice, open, genuinely eager to learn about them (my personal approach).

2. Being closed, stand-offish, and purposely a little hesitant to accept to sort of make the other party “work” to be accepted.

3. Being consciously rude to make the other party “work” to be accepted or because you have weird, unresolved issues with the person who is the object of your relationship. Or just being rude for other reasons.

4. Just being yourself without thinking about how you come across. This could be represented in your natural state of rudeness, obliviousness, disinterest, awkwardness, weird or obsessiveness with your friend/SO/family member, kindness, openness, friendliness, or whatever. (I tend to just be myself, too.)

Though I think it’s wise to put your best face forward while also being genuine, I can’t help but wonder it the consciously stand-offishness has its merits? Maybe I’m just being a little too sensitive and reading too much into people being “just themselves” or even giving me a little run for my man? I know that I’ve been particularly on guard with certain friends/family members who come off rude/stand-offish but it has never really affected the way I have treated my man. Actually, if those responses are intended to “scare” a person into being a good GF/BF to their family member or friend it hasn’t worked that way with me. Those kind of friend/family approaches usually have lead to feel more angry and contemptuous of my S.O.. Who knows, perhaps the approach of the friend/family member is to break you up for whatever reason. But if your friend/family member claims to be happy…wouldn’t you try to support them and strengthen their relationship through a little goodwill?

At least that’s usually what I try and project. I do this because I know it’s not easy meeting people close to your S.O.. Relationships are overwhelming enough, what’s wrong with being open and supportive towards people they value in their lives? Even if the S.O. of a friend or friends/family of my S.O. come off as stand-offish or weird, I still try to be myself and put my best face forward. Why? Because it shows support and respect towards your friend and your S.O.! But, like I said, if my goodwill is not reciprocated it’s extremely hard to hold back the sass…

Regardless of the rationale (or lack there of) in how people treat their S.O.’s friends, family, and vice versa, in the end you can’t be sassy about poor, unfair, and sometimes downright rude responses. This is particularly hard for me as I often demand the respect of others because I give it with ease.

I suppose remembering the “relationships are full of compromise and acceptance” shtick will help me come to terms with such issues irrelevant in my former, single life (sigh). And, you can sort of tell your S.O. how his/her friends/family are making you feel. But, you have to let it go. You ultimately have to tolerate and accept.

I guess Grandma was right. Toning down the sass can be a very good thing.

Humph.

What do you guys think?