ae-fond-kiss-09.jpgIf anyone out there is dating or in a relationship with someone from a very different cultural background you must see the movie Ae Fond Kiss (2004). Even more specifically, if you are a Westerner dating someone who is Pakistani, Muslim, or Indian (like me) or vice versa this movie has much to offer in the way of inter-cultural dialogue, the tensions, and the challenges that can arise from forging a relationship within such a context.

The story opens featuring Casim(C), a devout, mid-twenty something, Pakistani with dreams of being a professional, club owning deejay. He ends up falling for a blonde, white, Irish music teacher Roisin(R). The stage is set in London where racial tension between Pakistanis and whites can be high. Despite this, the story unfolds in a deeply personal way making one question if the chance at romantic love is always worth it for those bound to Islamic, Pakistani, or even Indian cultures.

C is close with his family and respects many of the Islamic traditions he was brought up with. However, when it comes his personal life, he’s not so certain about following through with the arranged marriage orchestrated by his mother. When he meets R and learns about notions of personal happiness, taking chances, seeing that “twinkle of love” in a partner’s eyes, and responsibility to one’s own heart, he decides he must break off the arranged engagement.

In an incredibly moving scene, C tells his mother the engagement is off and she explains how his actions will shame the family, ostracise them in their closely knit community, and make it much more difficult for her other daughters to marry. The beauty of the scene lies in how practical and relevant the mothers concerns actually are. The script avoids painting her as selfish, obstinate, or irrational–which is easy to do through a Western lens. When the mother asks, “What will I do now C?” it was easy even for a Westerner like me to empathize with her concerns.

Though torn between fulfilling family obligations and following though with responsibilities in his own heart, C maintains his stance on the broken engagement. Several poignant scenes illustrate how difficult this was to actually do. However, R never seemed to really understand or attempt to imagine what being in his shoes must be like. While she urges him to follow his heart she never fully commits to him. She suggests she’s not sure if they will be together forever, jokes about almost screwing another man, and makes sort of cheeky promises that are hard to take seriously. When R’s father stresses that his family will always be for him and to be careful of flaky promises given by non-Muslim girls, R’s stance makes it hard not to fairly consider his warning.

At many points, R does ask questions about C’s family and hopes they will give her a chance in getting to know her. However, as C continues to struggle with his family’s reactions to him living with R and still refusing the engagement, R gets fed up and spouts off all sorts of rash judgements towards his family. C tells R that his father may be many things but he is not mean-spirited or a bigot. C gives examples of the violence and persecution he has experienced from whites as a Pakistani and tries to explain the sources of his father’s desire for him to be with a Muslim girl. R can’t find it in herself to believe and attempt to understand him and continues to blow up at what she writes off as his family’s ignorance, outright rudeness, and racism directed towards whites.

C’s father definitely had his hot-headed moments and demonstrated manipulative actions which clouded his deep caring towards his family. However, in his own way, his undoubted love for his family remains consistent throughout the movie.

When C asks R if she would ever consider being a Muslim, she says no flat out no. She is unwilling to bend from her sort of Western stances in many ways. This is fine, but R compromises in more than a few instances and most significantly rejects his family to live and be with her. I have no doubt it was hard for R to understand his vastly different worldview and even his actions, but considering the level of commitment and compromise she was willing to give in exchange for his actions, it was hard for me to sympathize with her.

In the end, C decides to continue taking a chance on being with R. I suppose taking this chance is what most Westerns do with relative ease. However, and one might argue unfortunately, in R’s case the stakes were much higher. He alienated his entire family and burned bridges that might not ever be repaired. Given R’s predisposition to judging his family and unwillingness to compromise, one really questions whether or not C made the right choice in totally renouncing his family ties.

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This is an example of two more traditional/conservative (T/C) sides clashing. In this case, C was more liberal/open-minded (L/OM) in trying to make things work than R. As demonstrated in my previous Milano Love posts, tension and strife is bound to happen when you have one or more unyielding T/C sides of the interracial/inter-cultural coin…

Thoughts?