The Milano Has Landed!

Hey all, I’ve been guest bloggin’ over at my buddy Gori’s site. Check it out!

http://gorigirl.com/hes-soooo-indian

Anybody want to read Dracula and start a book club??

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=88416912

So I came up with this little list last January at the suggestion of a good friend. She said, “Hey you girls spend more time thinking about what you want at the grocery store than what you want from a guy!” She was right.

I’ve saved this list, referred to it now and again, and really stayed true to it after I made it. At the request of a few of my lovely readers, I thought I’d share it.

It’s an exercise I’d highly recommend everyone do. I basically did it for myself, to really “get what I wanted straight in my head.” Having this list made what I wanted more clear to me and helped me immensly when I dated and weeded out the bad guys. When I didn’t find someone who measured up to most of my list (like 60%-70%) I felt a strange, uncanny, and empowering urge to say “NEXT!” And I did. Funny enough though, about a month after I composed the list (and after years, YEARS of failed dating experiences..heh hem or ‘learning experiences’), I met the man I’m with today. A man who measures up to everything that list suggests and more.

Here goes. Top Ten. The first and last are really the most important. Though many of these might seem generic, they mean something specific to me given my history of dating and trying to figure out what I want. I hear that if you can find someone who meets 7 – 8 of these, you are good to go.

1. Has balls. Bigger balls than me ideally…or at least a size equivalent to mine. And by that…I mean the guy has to be brave to be who he is while strong enough to handle (and embrace!) who I am (4/17 edit: a hurricane. I am a hurricane ).

2. Sense of social justice/ethical. Ethical encompasses being honest and trustworthy.

3. Funny. In a conventional or unconventional sense… in some way I have to laugh!

4. Smart. Bright. Intelligent. Must absolutely posess The Brainy Trinity.

5. Must have empathy towards others. Most American men I have found to be empathetically challenged..I think this is a hard one to find in guys.

6. Self-sustaining. This is in the physical, economic, psychological, and social realms. Though he must be self sustaining, somewhere in this matrix must be room for a healthy, dynamic relationship (i.e. psychological realm).

7. Distinct sense of self outside of and separate from community affiliations, family, work, friend circles, etc. Has an identity that can stand alone when removed from all these things. Therefore, he can appreciate me as such and also a realtionship that is its own entity.

8. Possesses some sort of global view…at least some sense of cultural appreciation. Or, appreciation of/desire to learn about differences in general.

9. Someone better at details, planning, and practicality than me….feet more firmly planted on the ground.

10. Someone who is enchanted with, loving towards, and completely captivated by… me!

Then, I have a list of minor characteristics… this was kind of fun too!

Now everyone single person reading–go! Make your list and start swinging the universe in your favor!

Since my little web-ring of friends have been making saucy comments about a couple of sites, I thought I’d weigh in on a few. Lately there’s been a proliferation of sites that sort of spoof or criticize groups of people such as African American men (http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com/), Indians (http://www.badindiangirl.com/), and white people (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/). People’s views on these sites range from “totally hilarious!”, “spot on,” or them being outright racist.

First of all, I do think there is a place for generalizations and trends. I think hunches, social trends, and most of all academically researched cultural patterns can offer some significant insight. In my current master’s project, I highlight the dominant cultural health patterns of several ethnic groups as researched by Dr. Madeline Leininger. However, this portion represents only the first part of the project. The second part closely examines individual health stories, or narratives, of people who represent the ethnic groups I studied (read: The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down). The personal health stories I present are far more compelling than group phenomenons as they illuminate individual, complex, and deeply unique experiences. Sometimes these personal narratives coincide with group “dominant health patterns” and other times they do not. Thus, I argue that getting at the heart of a patient’s desire and motivation must be primarily rooted in evoking his or her personal health values, attitudes and health beliefs. Only when we get at what really matters to individuals (not groups), can we make some meaningful headway in addressing the intersection of culture and personal health.

The problem with the sites I mentioned is that they are not based on academic research and lack intellectual integrity. Or, even if they don’t claim academic merit, they are said to be innocuous social satire, revealing of real social trends, and sometimes “shouldn’t be taken seriously.” I’m not concerned with politically correctness here, but I am concerned with a growing trend of what I like to call a “culture of smugness” in viewing groups of people or even individuals whom we don’t agree with. Why is smugness (even if we might be right) a problem? Because it doesn’t get us anywhere–especially in personal relationships. We can sit around and get “stuck” on what individuals are doing or not doing because of their culture or and, in our minds, their less advanced ways of thinking. We can say we are writing things to get a laugh or in the spirit of satire, but this sort of smugness bears sinister fruit all too often.

These sites all sort of evoke kind of a reactionary, unhealthy response in me. For example, when I saw the stuffwhitepeoplelike site I immediately thought: “Hey I want to do a website on stuff-idiotic-hipsters-like-the-authors-of-stufwhitepeoplelike-like.com.” Then, I was able to gleefully rattle off several things these sorts of people tend to like. They were as follows:

1. Rectangular shaped glasses

2. Sushi–but they do not eat it/view it in the same way white people do

3. Mr. Roger’s sweaters

4. When enjoying many of the same activities as white people hipsters realize they do it in a much more special, significant way.*

*this way I can not quite identify or articulate because I must be too white.

So the ideas kept flowing and I started to feel quite smug…but then I realized I was just like every one else, parading my smug assumptions and general hunches all over the internet. Besides being a huge waste of my time, I also realized that attempting to attack people like the stuffwhitepeoplelike authors (though I don’t agree with them) just didn’t make me feel very good about myself.

On one of the sites I lurk, someone mentioned a song from a musical, “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” or something to that effect. This can be very true of my thinking sometimes. I do catch myself concocting general assumptions about people because of experiences I’ve had or trends I’ve noticed. I think this is true for most of us, and there’s really nothing wrong with these thoughts. However, I don’t go blabbering this negative internal dialogue all over the internet or in public. Why not? While I recognize I have these thoughts, that I too have an occasional inclination to make poisonous generalizations, I’d rather not make the specifics a central focus for myself or anyone else in public forums. In the end, attributing negative trends (no matter how real they are perceived or even sometimes studied) to groups doesn’t get us very far in understanding the intricacies, motivations, and real hearts of individuals. Frankly, this approach doesn’t advance anyone’s thinking in any way. Personally, I just feel bad if I dwell on my hang-ups and negative attitudes. They won’t ever fully go away, but I can commit to working alongside them in an upwardly, positive, and production fashion. To coin a phrase, most days, I guess I’d rather try and be the change I wish to see in the world.

One of Barack Obama’s law professors recently commented on his uncanny ability to wrap his mind around arguments that counter his own. The professor remarked how this strategy has served the savvy Obama well, strengthening his own arguments. After all, if your views (or you yourself) can’t stand up to critical analysis or challenge how can they stand at all?

Some people don’t care to pause, take a moment, contemplate, or challenge their views. Some people assume that where they operate from is a place of absolute certainty or expresses objective truths. These people tend to exhibit a classic defensiveness when challenged. Professors have been trying to break down this type of thinking student mind by student mind for years, yet these sorts of paper thin attitudes pervade society.

I suppose I’ve always been naturally curious and intrigued with challenging my assumptions. In my 4th – high school CCD classes (bible study for Catholics) I constantly asked questions and become irritated when the other students took everything at face value without deeper analysis. At the end of my 6th grade year I remember my religion teacher writing me a letter saying how she really dug my curiosity and commitment to understanding religion but that I needed to be patient with other students who didn’t feel the same passion and drive to expand their minds. I’ve never accepted complacent, lazy thinking well and have a hard time biting my tongue even today.

When I was enjoying a little intellectual swordplay after a particular 8th grade CCD class, I entertained the sub with one of the most important questions of my life. I asked about all the other religions in the world, people who were perhaps born on desert islands with no clue of “Jesus,” non-believers but good people, and questioned if they were recognized by God. She drew a big mountain on the marker board and said:

“Look. You see this? Imagine this is a mountain and the Big Guy (God) is at the top. See this is the path Muslims take up the mountain (she drew a squiggly line from the base of the mountain to the top).”

She paused, lowered her head, and looked up at me above the rims of her glasses. She continued:

“Hindus? Here (a very curvy line up the mountain). Catholics? (A dotted line). Jews? (a jagged line).”

I was mesmerized.

“NK people take different paths to God. Even those who live a good life the best way they know how. We all get there in the end. There are many mansions in God’s kingdom.”

That marker board image of the mountain and its many pathways to the top has always stuck with me. When I first saw it, something clicked and I remember feeling very pleased. It made sense. Even my dad, a staunch Catholic, recently said of religion, “It’s all the same shit anyway!” Beyond the intuitive sense the mountain-gram made to me, I researched that Catholic theology supports this pluralistic notion as expressed in Vatican II’s documents on ecumenism. I have always been proud to boast that my Christian faith is very comfortable with the notion of many pathways whereas other Christian traditions have sorely, notoriously lacked in this understanding.

I have always really enjoyed the intellectual history of Catholicism and appreciated its rich theology. The Church has had its issues, but corrupt people were at fault for that–not its theology. Luther’s response to this corruption was to change the theology and strip it down for the people. His intentions were good but misguided. Alas, his protest freed the people from corrupt individuals, but bound them to a reductionistic, literal, and fragmented interpretations of The Bible. Thus, most protesters (if not all) ripped the The Bible out of its contextual, historical place. But how could they consider context and history without having scholarly backgrounds?! They couldn’t. And thus, one of the great errors of history proliferated.

Since Luther’s time, The Bible would take on many disjointed forms and lose much of its metaphorical, figurative, essential meanings. Thus, the idea that “Jesus is the only, specific way to heaven” was born. The metaphorical, historically grounded, and very Biblical idea of “many paths up the mountain” was tossed out. Sigh.

Luther-minded people would eagerly create sects and branches of Christianity based on their own lay interpretations and meanings of The Bible. Over the next hundreds of years, Christian religions would resemble a shoots and ladders game. Despite all the shortcomings of its leaders, one Christian theology, one intellectual history has remained consistent since Peter’s time: The Catholic Church.

Now I know I sound like a all high and mighty Catholic here. Mostly, I just have a deep regard for its historical tradition. I also really love all its symbols, community of saints, and rituals as well (these things were also stripped down by reformers). Today, I’m not so much a practicing Catholic, but I do give it a nod from afar. Actually, my spirituality these days is closest to the comedian Larry David’s. Yes you heard right. In a recent interview he said something like this…

Am I making fun of my father-in-law’s religion [Christianity] in the show? Oh come on, no, it’s comedy…and even if I am, so what? It’s absurd [religion]. All these people walking around thinking they know everything, [they know just what/who God is]. It’s insane. They don’t know, no one knows.

Heck if I knew [the answers to everything] I wouldn’t tell anybody! I’d keep it to myself!

**********************************************************************************************************

So while I’m mostly amused with the absurdities of religion rather than being committed to one these days, I still have a lot of respect for my Catholic upbringing. Through some method, I hope to instill the same sense of myth, ritual, meaning and spirituality in my own children some day. Although, I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for Catholicism and its “Hey we don’t know it all…it’s a mystery…there are many metaphysical mansions and ways up the mountain…and we all have a shot at getting there” lessons I learned years ago.

This lesson of “many ways up the mountain” bleeds over into many areas of my life. Discerning relationships, contemplating career changes, child rearing, considering cultural differences, educational pursuits, accepting others, and really how to live a fairly moral and coherent life. Though I think being around like-minded people is a nice respite, I am still fairly keen on wrapping my brain around other ways of thinking. Though there is always a little equilibrium and mild panic in doing so (“Hummm, have I been doing things wrong? Do I need to change my views) ultimately I find I am able to formulate more cohesive arguments and ideas of my own. I like to think that my views are never totally impenetrable or insusceptible change, either.

Though I believe in “many ways” I also believe there are some essentials, some fundamentals, and some guiding principals to it all. I have found these things to be humanitarian in nature. Though I haven’t quite gotten the pattern down, I know it when I see it. I know it when people are traversing, zigzagging, or squiggling up the mountain. I know it when people are somehow on their way up or not. My hope is to keep taking notes on those who are plugging upwards just like me.

Though most of my friends know I shriek with fear and loathing when I hear country music, I have found the Dixie Chicks to be often tolerable and even pleasant to listen to at times. When The Long Way Around song came out I gave a nod to neo-country. The lyrics ring so true to me:

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

*******************

I’ve been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
But I’ve always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

**********************

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

***********************

In my last post I wrote briefly about a religious website that offers direction on how women can get married. Perhaps I judged too harshly. Sometimes I judge those who don’t take the long way around in kind of a smug, skeptical way. My sister, who I love dearly, knew what she wanted, went for it, got married early, and is happy. But as the song says, I could never follow.

I’ve always been more drawn to exploring options–it’s written in my genes and expressed in my temperament. My extreme idealism often leaves me looking up at the fig tree, seeing all the lovely fruits, and being stifled as to which one to actually choose. Sometimes I fear all the figs will rot, fall off and die before I finally decide on which one.

However, I’ve grown to be much better about plucking opportunities in my personal life. For those of you who have followed my posts, it has largely been a process of trial and error and fumbling through the dark. There were times in my life when I felt I might always want to be single and never marry. I even had a short bout of intrigue with the monastic life some time after that horrible first kiss . Many times I have feared that somehow having a family and children would magically turn my situation into the one I fantasized fleeing growing up.

It’s taken some time to unpack the past and plan for the future. Can you really just “let the past go” and totally re-create yourself? I’m not so sure. History leaves an indelible imprint. For me, I have to figure out how this imprint works. I have to figure out the mistakes, wrong-doings, and abuses of others and how it affected me. I cannot escape or write off these things, and I’m not entirely sure they make you stronger as some suggest, but I have discovered they can be come to terms with. Sometimes you learn something from tough stuff, and really? Other times you just don’t. Other times it is better if at least some of the painful occurances in life just didn’t occur at all. However, as much as history makes an imprint, it doesn’t have to imprison…

I’m getting to a point where I think about cooking for a family, starting traditions, decorating my Christmas tree with my grandmother’s ornaments, and caring for children. Sometimes I shock myself with these thoughts because I’ve never really had them before. In the past they seemed like abstract ideas that perhaps I simply couldn’t actualize because of my open, option-filled preferences. Even more so, I never thought I would have these things because a part of myself, my temperament, is inextricably linked with a mother whose childhood needs still play like a broken record today. I never wanted to replay all I had inherited through growing up in her borderland that existed between sanity and neurosis.

I know about fighting a stranger, the loneliness of showing yourself, and the temptation to quit. And while I might not have done things the easiest way, it’s really been the only way for me. Just couldn’t follow any other way.

So I’m still taking the long way, but I’m not slacking off. Though my progress tends to be slow and measured, I know there’s not going back. And frankly, I would never want to.