The Milano Has Landed!

Hi all,

I’m working on changing my page intro.  No more doings & undoings…too loose…vague.  I’m switching it over to intercultural relationships.  Big suprise right??  I’m thinking I will call it “The Milano has Landed!” ….one more blog on Indian/American relationships!  R and I frequently call ourselves a milano cookie (dark & white..get it?).  Thoughts???

Hopefully I’ll get to all this this weekend!  Cheers for the New Year!

Hi, all, a few posts have been stewing in my head but I haven’t had a moment to write.  I absolutely enjoyed hearing from this gal and suggest you read her stuff! 

http://www.eastwestmarriageblog.com/?p=83

She seems very open minded, positive, and realistic about managing her intercultural relationship and I suspect she’s kind of like *us.*  Those being D, CT, *the other* Jessica, sf, GoriGirl, and myself.  Enjoy her writing!

In my line of work and thinking, I’m a fervent policy buff.  I like to recognize psychological and sociological patterns and develop theories based on such.  I’m an armchair sociologist.

When R and I first started dating he was SOOOO SLOOOOW to initiate anything.  It’s like he had all the time in the world to circle around and ruminate upon the idea of dating me.  At that time he was also seeing another girl, who was Indian.  She sort of ran what I like to call the “helpless female” gamut on him in an attempt to salvage the relationship.  He basically felt like he was obligated to her for some reason because they had mutual friends and so on.  Of course I was like, “What?!  You’re not happy–dump her!”  While he was figuring this all out I was not waiting around.  I told him a girl like me didn’t have a long shelf life and that I was going to date other guys (specifically one who was barking up my tree–to this day R sneers when I mention his name ).  I didn’t know it, but R was crushed by my decision. 

After we FINALLY got together and reflected on this we developed nicknames for one another: R was Steamboat and I was Speedboat. 

R explained that his inability to act in situations where he really wants one thing but sticks with another stems largely from his Indian culture.  He told me that he and his family were rasied to suppress their own desires and wishes for the group.  Whenever I get hot-headed about something and he’s cool as a cucumber he sometimes smiles and just says with a sigh, “Indians are raised on the notion of delayed gratification.”

Now I know plenty of American couples where one half is more firey and the other is more laid back.  However, in the case of R and I, I think there are cultural components to our behavior.  For example, relative to MY American culture I’m considered more laid back, chill, and calming.  Throw me in with most of the Indians I know, I’m an uptight, hot-headed spark plug :).

Last year, in my India class, I learned that in the Ramayama (one of the most important cultural stories to Indians and a core incluence on the Indian psyche) emotions swinging too far either way are considered bad and toxic.  Once should strive for balance, evenness and know that excessive happiness can be just as dangerous as excessive sadness.  I know this brings up a lot of issues to explore…such as why crazy romance and doing things “just because it makes one happy” are frowned upon in Indian culture.  These notions are still sort of a fantasy to Indians as represented in Bollywood and Tollywood…but they are not ones to be sought after in real life.

At any rate, beyond making this blog all about how I can get along with R’s family, I thought I would write about the little (and sometimes big) cultural differences R and I have discovered through our relationship.  He has become the foil to my Americanness and in many ways I see myself differenly than I did before.  To a Speedboat all about self-learning and discovery, it’s been a rich reward of being in an intercultural relationship.

So I hope you all had a great holiday.  I went back home and also was able to spend another night at Ravi’s parents’ house. 

The visit was fine… I still am not big on the overnight camp-outs with his parents and it peaves me that R and I can’t really act like a couple.  Other than the usual kind of feeling like I’m walking on egg shells, it was fine.  It’s just something I’m going to have to get used to right?

I was a little deflated to learn that the India invite really only stands if R and I are in a “formal” relationship..meaning…we’d basically have to be engaged.  Otherwise, it’d be too much scandal either of us would really want to deal with.  Since I am super happy with where my relationship is at and know that R and I are going to end up together some way or another, I’m not big on rushing things.  I know this is totally atypical, but I’m not pushing for engagment (like I sense most girls do once they know they want to be with the guy).  R seems kind of willing to go for it, but I’m not rushing things on the account of his family.

I’m also feeling tense because R’s mom saw my shoes in his apartment and freaked out about us being improper and spending the night together.  To me it’s absurd because we are 28 and 33 years old.  R just ignores it and truly doesn’t care, but her intrusiveness still bothers me.

The thing is, his parents are always decent to my face but I know there is all this other stuff going on behind the scenes.  I don’t get it…I only will bring up Indian subjects when I’m there (his mom won’t respond to any other kind of conversation), I actually painted his mom’s toes/nails and did her makeup as we chit chatted nicely, and we are respectful of one another when we are in eachothers’ presence.  But then I hear about all this criticism and moaning they direct towards R behind the scenes.  It feels so…passive-aggressive.  R is used to this, but it kind of drives me nuts.  It feels like an indirect invasion of my privacy and I’m not used to it being such an independent person.  I know when we drive home from his parents house it feels like we can finally throw off our straight-jackets…

I guess this is not a feeling I want to live with on a daily basis…suppressed and judged based things I’m not used to like pre-feminist notions.  I really can’t see myself living close to them or visiting more often than once every two months.  R seems ok with this and ok with however we want to define our realtionship with them, but these terms are not going to be favorable to his parents.

His mom is also asking that I learn Telugu, go to the temple, and basically that I do everything on their terms.  It feels like a lot of pressure and I can’t help but wonder why they can’t imagine meeting me on some of my terms (?). 

All I know is that I have a personality where if I know something is demanded of me I will reject it–quickly.  I’m happy to come to things on my own and do many Indian things freely, but if I’m pressured…it’s over.  And R’s mom doesn’t know how to do anything without a backhanded pressure style.

Basically, she is afraid he is becoming too American and that he no longer values his Indian culture.  This breaks my heart because I think he is SOOOO Indian in the best ways possible.  He is also incredibly respectful and accommodating to his mother who continually puts pressure on him and puts him down.

In the end, R and I will just have to perpetuate the Indian tradition in the way we want without considering her demands and insecurities.  And in the end, they might not be able to see me/us/our kids as much if she can’t just let us be and accept our choices–in front of and behind our backs.

It’s just a bummer that I don’t know if all this pressure and hounding will go away or not with engagement (typically Indians understand and respect couples when they are “formal.”)  I think I have a lot of stuff to square away with R…and that aint happening before March (Indian trip).