In my line of work and thinking, I’m a fervent policy buff. I like to recognize psychological and sociological patterns and develop theories based on such. I’m an armchair sociologist.
When R and I first started dating he was SOOOO SLOOOOW to initiate anything. It’s like he had all the time in the world to circle around and ruminate upon the idea of dating me. At that time he was also seeing another girl, who was Indian. She sort of ran what I like to call the “helpless female” gamut on him in an attempt to salvage the relationship. He basically felt like he was obligated to her for some reason because they had mutual friends and so on. Of course I was like, “What?! You’re not happy–dump her!” While he was figuring this all out I was not waiting around. I told him a girl like me didn’t have a long shelf life and that I was going to date other guys (specifically one who was barking up my tree–to this day R sneers when I mention his name 
). I didn’t know it, but R was crushed by my decision.
After we FINALLY got together and reflected on this we developed nicknames for one another: R was Steamboat and I was Speedboat.
R explained that his inability to act in situations where he really wants one thing but sticks with another stems largely from his Indian culture. He told me that he and his family were rasied to suppress their own desires and wishes for the group. Whenever I get hot-headed about something and he’s cool as a cucumber he sometimes smiles and just says with a sigh, “Indians are raised on the notion of delayed gratification.”
Now I know plenty of American couples where one half is more firey and the other is more laid back. However, in the case of R and I, I think there are cultural components to our behavior. For example, relative to MY American culture I’m considered more laid back, chill, and calming. Throw me in with most of the Indians I know, I’m an uptight, hot-headed spark plug :).
Last year, in my India class, I learned that in the Ramayama (one of the most important cultural stories to Indians and a core incluence on the Indian psyche) emotions swinging too far either way are considered bad and toxic. Once should strive for balance, evenness and know that excessive happiness can be just as dangerous as excessive sadness. I know this brings up a lot of issues to explore…such as why crazy romance and doing things “just because it makes one happy” are frowned upon in Indian culture. These notions are still sort of a fantasy to Indians as represented in Bollywood and Tollywood…but they are not ones to be sought after in real life.
At any rate, beyond making this blog all about how I can get along with R’s family, I thought I would write about the little (and sometimes big) cultural differences R and I have discovered through our relationship. He has become the foil to my Americanness and in many ways I see myself differenly than I did before. To a Speedboat all about self-learning and discovery, it’s been a rich reward of being in an intercultural relationship.
January 6, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Two points:
In our relationship, I’m the one who stays cooler (Aditya would say cold, probably) in arguments. I’d also say I stay angrier a bit longer, while Aditya gets angry quick, but cools down just as quickly. His father is exactly the same way. I have no idea how they compare to other Indians, though – I don’t have enough reference points to hope to draw anything approaching a good sample.
Second, most Asian cultures have a similar undercurrent of emphasizing balance (think Taoism, Buddhism as typically practiced, Shintoism), but Western cultures have that thread of thought too. I’m thinking of the American Pragmatism philosophers, and Greek philosophers like Aristotle, the Stoics, and even the Epicurus. I do agree that the idea of balance isn’t a major one in American culture, though it’s growing in strength.
January 6, 2009 at 6:55 pm
LOL.. I am definitely the more laid back one until I cannot take anymore, then it builds and builds until I blow up LOL. I am quite similar to a volcanic caldera.. I stay icy cold, then start rumbling, just a bit.. the pressure builds.. until it must all come out and I explode hehehe. Glad to see others have come back to blog world LOL.. it takes my mind off of more pressing/depressing issues right now
February 25, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Interesting blog and interesting post. Seeing all you gori girls going ga-ga over Indian men. But let me say this, at one point in this blog you didn’t sound better than his blackmailing mother with words like “I told him a girl like me didn’t have a long shelf life and that I was going to date other guys (specifically one who was barking up my tree–to this day R sneers when I mention his name
).”
If it was a hot blooded man like me, I would have walked out on you before you had on me. But then your guy seems to be considerate and wants to be with you or make the relationship work.
My fear is that you are getting sucked up in this vicious game that Indian parents play, older women in particular.
My grandparents did their best to break the relationship (my parents) they created themselves (an arrange marriage). It was only due to my mother’s matureness and my father’s patience that it worked.
The reason why many Indian men choose girls from back home is precisely this – matureness and patience, a virtue many Indians think white women in general don’t posses.
Even when in pressure of when you are demonized, stay calm and choose your strategy with rationality with a view that he’s your man and its your relationship and you need to protect and nurture it, just like you would your child.
Love and respect
Jasmeet
February 26, 2009 at 4:35 am
This is an interesting perspective …
February 26, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Another point, even if the your Indian guy is born and brought up in America, he WILL have some notions and ideas about life/himself/his wife/his family which will reflect his Indianess. Don’t try and use it against him (remember he can use your whiteness against you as well, but the fact that he chose you over other girls and Indian girls in particular is that he is accepting, and in many cases appreciative of your whiteness).
Just like you, he also needs space to… to just be a boy, you know. Also, I find it strange that you are actually taking classes into all this Ramayana, etc etc. Im sure your guy is not a religious fanatic. He seems to be a normal guy, he is taking you for your face value. You don’t have to pass a written test to show your Indianness when you get married to him.
Remember, the base for most successful relationships, not only male-female but also male-male or female-female, is understanding. I have a magazine with an article which traces the migration of Indians to the west in the 19th century. At one occassion, the article quotes a Sikh man who had married a latina in Peru or Uruguay. The man says that he didn’t know any English or Spanish and the women couldn’t speak anything other than Spanish, they would talk in sign language initially and then later on the women learnt to prepare Dal and roti and men learnt Spanish.
All I make of this is that most important is love and good fundamentals. Don’t compromise with your identity, he has chosen you because of that only (look at this guy’s face when his wife is trying to be overtly Indian>>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsY5PML9q-8&feature=related). Be loving, respectful and keep out of *his* family politics (if you marry him, you wll be sucked in anyways). Let HIM handle his ‘Mummmy darling’, don’t show too much activism but be supportive. Just observe other women in his family who are looked up as nice by his family members. And hey, no throwing tantrums, this will only conform you to the stereotypes about white American women – ready to jump to another relationship whenever things get tough. Respect yourself and respect him.
At the end of the day, keep things simple, for him, for you and everybody else around you, there are other enough complicated things in life and relationships in particular have many grey areas. Keeping things simple will help you concentrate on the grey areas and give you a good night’s sleep as well
Ciao,
Jas
February 26, 2009 at 11:17 pm
By interesting I mean kind of full of yourself. Since you’ve stereotyped me as a firey, reckless American, I could stereotype you as a know-it-all, better-than-all-the-white-folk, holier than thou Indian…but I won’t. I think that’s just how you are as a person, Indian or not.
You have no clue to what extent I try to be “Indian” or not. Don’t presume you know all the answer either just because YOU are “Indian.”
Interesting… but you need not comment here any more. Though I can certainly hook you up with a few online bloggers who have stubborn, know-it-all viewpoints just like you… haha…
February 27, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.. this is better than a soap opera.. sorry guys, I am in a sarcastic mood this morning.
I wish I could say I have kept up, but I have not.. I have been to fatigued to do so, but one of these days, I will get caught back up.
Speaking of Indian men.. After going, and re-watching Twilight, which I must say makes more sense AFTER reading the book, but not before.. some feelings for jackass have re-surfaced *sigh*. I keep trying, but sometimes, the heart just doesn’t want to listen. It doesn’t help I dressed up as a vampire for Halloween when we were dating and some stuff he said was very similar to some things said in the movie. I am such a sucker.. lol…
One of these days, things WILL be better.. I am determined that it shall be..
Anything new and exciting happening?
February 27, 2009 at 9:50 pm
“The reason why many Indian men choose girls from back home is precisely this – matureness and patience, a virtue many Indians think white women in general don’t posses.”
OK Jasmeet, what would be the reasons Indian men choose boys back home???
February 27, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Correction! I mean, “what would be the reasons Indian WOMEN choose boys back home???
LOL. Though I guess nowadays the way it was originally stated could be asked too.
March 2, 2009 at 5:16 am
Jasmeet, while it seems like you’ve got good intentions here – and I don’t think your advice is all off base – it is a littler presumptuous to offer advice where it hasn’t been asked for, especially when you don’t have a relationship (internet or otherwise) with the author. If you want a better reception to your words – which currently appear quite rude – I think it’d be a good idea to not assume so much, especially when you’re assuming some pretty derogatory things about NK’s character.
In particular, I’m speaking about comments like the following:
“Seeing all you gori girls going ga-ga over Indian men…” (The phrasing suggests a very fluttery/emotional woman, and that the key aspect of the relationship is simply white woman & Indian man, rather than just two people who love each other).
“…this blog you didn’t sound better than his blackmailing mother with words…” (First you insult R’s mother, then you quote completely out of context)
“My fear is that you are getting sucked up in this vicious game that Indian parents play, older women in particular.” (Again, insulting to R’s parents. You don’t know them, and there’s no reason to suggest that they’ll do this sort of thing.)
“The reason why many Indian men choose girls from back home is precisely this – matureness and patience, a virtue many Indians think white women in general don’t posses.” (It’d be more polite, when saying this, to mention that you don’t believe this stereotype to be true – otherwise it seems like you’re giving a backhanded insult.)
“Even when in pressure of when you are demonized” (Insulting assumption again to R’s parents & family.)
“Don’t try and use it against him” (Assuming that she would w/o your advice is rather patronizing & insulting.)
“Also, I find it strange that you are actually taking classes into all this Ramayana…you don’t have to pass a written test to show your Indianness when you get married to him.” (Perhaps she took the class for other reasons. Perhaps he suggested it as a good way for her to learn more about her culture. Either way, I don’t see how it’s a bad idea to learn more about his culture, especially if it’s important to him. This point is particularly ridiculous when in the next bit you suggest understanding to be the most important part of any relationship. How do you expect people to understand one another without learning something of their background history & culture?)
….
Gah, I could go on, but I hope you get the picture. After writing all that up, I’m rather impressed by NK’s restraint in how she answered your comments.
March 2, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Thanks for piping up Gori. Actually, I wrote a few extra comments that I deleted because I sunk to that level
.
You point out some great things: no I DO NOT think R’s mother/parents are dark, vicious, and blackmailing (that I know of) at all. I’ve never said that on the blog and that has never been the issue for me. I think they are relatively sweet people, dutiful to what they know, but the issue seems to be that I don’t know how to necessarily see that given where I come from or they can’t necessarily show me that given where they come from. Perhaps in the future we will get better at translating cultural cues.
Yeah his whole patience and matureness argument was just plain dumb.
What really struck a nerve with me what how I read the Ramayana, studied a bit about the culture, etc. I did some of those things because I was interested in Indian culture to begin with (spent a month in India on my own before we got together). I also did some of those things because I was curious about R’s culture. And I did some of those things because yes I thought having some of that knowledge might come in handy when attempting to connect with his parents family. I have noticed a trend where some people (Indian and non-Indian) strongly criticize the later. This deeply offends me.
A good generalization out there about Americans is that they are willing to try anything. Maybe sometimes their attempts overshoot and come off as misguided, but my argument is, most often, good intentions are at the heart of this process.
I was under recent scrutiny in my “non-blog” life for doing just that: responding to a stereotype or “learning too much about the GENERALITIES of Indian culture.” I find this an extremely harsh and cruel judgment.
I found myself in a situation where all R’s parents know of American culture (and they have lived in the US for 30 years) are the naughty white girls in the Bollywood/Tollywood movies. That was their baseline.
On the other hand, I did try to go above and beyond a bit, learn about the major cultural/literary influences in Indian. I tried to learn a bit about Hinduism. I tried because I wanted to try my best to understand R and his family. However misguided that may be, and however many scoffs I get, I tried with the best of intentions. Some of this knowledge did come to be useful when getting to know his family, and yes some of it wasn’t useful–maybe it was responding a bit to a stereotype. But I want to kick the wall when anyone who knows anything about my situation (where on the Indian end there is much resistance to American culture and EXTREMELY LITTLE DESIRE TO LEARN ABOUT IT)
and how I have tried my best to aim for some connection.
At least I tried. I’ve given up trying so much these days and just do what I want. I’m not sure if that is good or bad–R seems to think that is better so that I don’t have any expectations for his parents. Makes me a little sad because I was willing to go relatively far with the cultural things (marriage rituals, etc.) but I’m not sure they will even accept me despite my willingness to learn. Maybe it will always just be a relationship between R and his parents and i’m left out. Guess it’s something I’ll have to accept. But I’ll be DAMNED if I ever say I regretted trying.
March 2, 2009 at 8:49 pm
You know, New Kalypso, you say that R’s parents have lived in the United States for 30 years and their only conception of Americans is the stereotypes they’ve seen on Indian films and that they have no real desire to “learn” about American culture at all.
My question always has been, why do such people even leave their countries of origin?
I mean, I can understand if one has to come over here once a year or something for a few weeks to visit relatives, but why on Earth would anyone want to live their entire lives in a country in which they have absolutely zero interest in that country’s culture?
I’ve known a few people like that myself and when I asked them the same question, they had no answer.
Do you have any insight into that phenomena?
March 3, 2009 at 1:33 am
I guess I have sort of avoided that precise question to not sound like some sort of white colonial monster!!! But honestly, I have wondered. I don’t think that’s a question I am at liberty to ask being white… but I go back and forth on that… seriously.
March 3, 2009 at 2:35 am
Forget that sense of “white guilt”. For goodness sake, there are no colonies anymore and back in the day when there were, you were not even born, so you are not at all responsible for the world’s evil, my dear.
People seriously need to get over that.
I mean, surely if you were to go to India and live their for 30 years without any care or concern or interest for any of the cultures there, you would be asked about it.
In fact, people who travel around or take up residence in India are frequently asked, “what brought you here?”
It is a benign, non-hostile question meant to gain some insight into another individual so that the inquirer can get to know them better.
But if you feel intimadated by R’s parents, perhaps you can ask R why they decided to live here. Afterall, he must’ve heard them discuss that topic at some point in his life.
I know one thing; if I made the decision to live 30 years in a country in who’s culture I took no interest, I would probably live to regret that, I’d probably suffer from depression, and I’d probably come across as pretty damn bitter.
So why do it?
March 3, 2009 at 5:45 am
Thank you GG for pointing out what I was having a problem with in Jasmeet’s comments. To me, it seemed like not only were us “white girls” being stereotyped harshly, but so were the Indian people in general. I think I understand what Jasmeet was trying to say, but it simply came across wrong. Hopefully, Jasmeet can try again on a new foot. NK knows me.. always the benefit of the doubter LOL.
PHL, uh, I thought your comment was pretty funny about the reason Indian men choose Indian men back home.. hehe before you corrected it, that is
PHL, as for your question about why people do not want to assimilate, then why bother leaving their country?… I have asked myself that MANY times. That is a HUGE question/problem with some co-workers of mine with some of our customers that come into the pharmacy. They feel that all Hispanic people that come in that say they can’t speak English really do, they just don’t want to try.. and feel it isn’t fair that we have to change to fit THEIR needs, as this person put it. This person has a very valid argument about the assimilation part, but not necessarily about the people pretending not to know English. I was totally unaware until this past summer that so many native Hispanics from Mexico/Central America are totally illiterate in their OWN language. It makes it near impossible for them to learn English if they cannot read or write in their native tongues. I do not know, but is there a similarity between the Hispanics and Indian peoples? I have noticed in particular, the women are the undereducated ones. Some of the people do know what us Americans are saying, but that does NOT mean they can speak it back.. many of them try if they do… I understand because I don’t always know the words in Spanish to communicate properly back with them… and how did I begin my learning Spanish.. through reading and writing. Anyway, enough of my ramblings.. I am tired now and need to rest again!
March 3, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I think in a lot of ways they do regret coming here and I am an example of that.
I can’t change their choices or ever fully understand their motives.
Basically, I think I’m just going to need a Xanax at certain points in the future!
March 3, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I think a lot of the aforementioned type of immigrants come here for financial opportunities and then end up staying here because well they have a kid who will have a much harder time in their home country than here. Very few are able to do sufficient financial planning so that they can return once their kids are old enough (for some a kid is never old enough, but that is entirely different issue). But then again there might be grand kids and other overriding priorities.
Is it fair to a person from here trying to be part of their family? No. But I think they have their own good reasons why things are the way they are.
March 3, 2009 at 4:32 pm
G actually brought up the “why come here and stay here if you don’t like it and would rather be back in India?” question this weekend (I don’t remember what we were talking about to lead to that point, though). It makes him mad when people do what R’s parents did and come here for the financial benefits while thinking that they can shield themselves from everything else around them. Here’s a rather odd analogy that just popped into my head that I think fits the situation: it’s like having a sex buddy and then getting mad when they want a real relationship. You can’t just pick and choose what you want out of a situation and expect everything and everyone to conform to what you want.
March 3, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Ara0062, regarding Mexicans, I put them in a different category than desis because:
1. they are neighbors to USA and although many are mixed with Euro blood, they are primarily the original “natives” of “the Americas”. So natives need to be given some slack.
2. they are often very, very poor. Desis who come to the USA are coming at an advantage over these Mexicans. Desis who come here usually have ALOT more education than these Natives and they know English.
3. Mexicans are just crossing the border whereas Desis are flying to the otherside of the planet to be here.
Look, one does not need to give up their religion, their customs, traditions, or even clothing style in order to assimilate. Assimlation is just making an effort to understand the various nuances of your new home and mingle with the people therein.
Especially now that desi culture in the form of yoga, ayurveda and all these things is VERY popular, there are places and people that desis could mix with that would not require them to dilute themselves.
I just think that there is no excuse to remain exclusive. And what kind of example does it set for your kids? Kids need to learn social graces from parents. The ability to socialize and “market” oneself is very important in today’s world.
2.
March 6, 2009 at 3:35 am
Good points PHL. I like your opinions on these.. they are very well thought out and make me think. Thanks for the input
March 6, 2009 at 10:59 am
I just accidentally visited this page and saw a plethora of comments, some as replies/reaction to my comments. I’ll defend my comments and respond one by one (NK, I hear you – but you need not comment here any more, but I must confront the wrong interpretations on my comments). I’ll answer one by one:
@GG: You are right, I had got right intentions when I posted the comment (had I written in disgust or anger or venom, I wouldn’t have posted at all. That’s an inbuilt mechanism). You are wrong is assuming that I assumed anything. And while I never said that my advise in the best in the world, NK is of course free not to follow it and take her own course). My comment however, was not out of context. I do not know NK and therefore the question to like her or not like her, and to make assumption does not arise. I wrote on the basis and after reading as many of her posts as I could (even to the end). At times I thought that NK was portraying her to naive as she’s not. Moreover, in some of her posts she did actually made the reader believe that R’s mother was not exactly a positive character in the whole story. Add to that, to her own admission and between the lines reading made me feel he’s not as rational and a good-decision maker as she thinks she is (her behaviour when she broke up with Pilot and the tableau episode thing). I always judge a person by his/her actions. A person’s past action always has its reflection on how he/she would emerge as a person in the future (some of the world’s most famous intellectuals had shown their intellectual leaning right from childhood).
So a man/woman’s past actions cannot completely be ignored, especially when it’s the case of a relationship like marriage or at least so does Indian wisdom suggests.
I also saw the way NK reacted to parts in my comments which would not have been exactly pleasing to her ears. Perhaps she’s used to people who sugar coat things for her. In any case, my comments had no malice, but were based on observance of her writings.
I do, however, agree to somebody’s comments here that it’s rather sick that people go to America only to earn dollars but don’t want to learn anything. But then one cannot be sued for it, now can he/she be?
I lot of westerns also think that Indians in general are suppressed, sexually or personality wise. Personally, I see it as non-aggressiveness and not suppression. For example, I read, at times how westerns would specifically point out that Indians remain virgins until they are married. Or they would still live in their parent’s home until they are married. The western interpretation of the former situation is suppression of sexual feelings or desires and of latter that Indian men are still mama’s boy until they are married. And comments like these are often made by people who have been to India on a tourist holiday or have no intricate knowledge of how Indian familial ties work. To interpret Indian non-aggressive/laid back attitude as suppression as much reeks of ignorance and bigotry as saying that all white girls are promiscuous.
The comment “Seeing all you gori girls going ga-ga over Indian men” is not offending for a simple reason that the intention is that Indian guy is able to attract exotic foreigner girl(s) (just as you said something like – what’s with us American girls falling for exotic foreign guys). I don’t think you should have given it a twist you have.
–“…this blog you didn’t sound better than his blackmailing mother with words…” (First you insult R’s mother, then you quote completely out of context)
I do not think NK herself is talking very highly of R’s mother, nevertheless, in one of her blog posts she has clearly said this:
– R knows his parents like me otherwise they would be causing a shitstorm in his life.
While I did not think she insulted R’s parents in any way, the sentence obviously doesn’t gives me a “great mother-in-law” feeling.
–“My fear is that you are getting sucked up in this vicious game that Indian parents play, older women in particular.” (Again, insulting to R’s parents. You don’t know them, and there’s no reason to suggest that they’ll do this sort of thing.)
Again, I don’t need to go into details, but I have not insulted anybody here, I KNOW Indian home politics and at time how dirty it can get and the comment stemmed from that very knowledge.
–“The reason why many Indian men choose girls from back home is precisely this – matureness and patience, a virtue many Indians think white women in general don’t posses.” (It’d be more polite, when saying this, to mention that you don’t believe this stereotype to be true – otherwise it seems like you’re giving a backhanded insult.)
Most western women would view the demand for patience and more understanding as being as to be submissive to the husband or to the parents-in-law. The notion again stems from lack of understanding of the fact that if a new member is added to a family, he/she is first expected to understand/observe things, systems and people before going all out to ask for greater control (irrespective of which part of the world you belong to). This is NOT asking the girl to be submissive. At this time I must also being in the fact that America and West Europe has strong feminist movements in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s (while India didn’t), which changed women’s attitude towards men and thus their social status. So while a woman from a third world country would see this simply as an “adjustment” she needs to make to adapt to her new home, western women see this as suppression of a woman’s identity, and I say this out of experience.
–“Even when in pressure of when you are demonized” (Insulting assumption again to R’s parents & family.)
It is more than apparent that R’s parents are not that welcoming of their son’s choice of a white American girl and have tried to influence him to choose a girl from his community, which obviously they won’t do by saying “We love NK, she is a very nice girls etc etc”, and therefore the need to put her and R’s relationship to be paramount, even when she is not appreciated just for her skin colour or nationality.
“Don’t try and use it against him” (Assuming that she would w/o your advice is rather patronizing & insulting.)
GG, I need not tell you the strange things love can make you do, and in many cases people screw up right at the last moment, when everything is falling into the right place. This just came as a caution that don’t try and let negative things triumph over the positive things.
About the Ramayana thing, I agree I was wrong to discourage NK from making the effort. If it doesn’t bring positive results, it will never contribute negatively either. She does deserves appreciation for actually taking the pain to do this. So there you go, I retract.
@Proud Hindustani Larki?
I wouldn’t know too many desi girls who have an inclination for western men. Though a good friend (a Maharastrain girl) is about to marry another good friend (a British). Not assuming but I guess in case of a woman, the argument usually would be something… Indian men are much more faithful and traditional and make up for better husbands etc etc.
To be frank, I really like this girl (NK) and her choice of guy, not because he’s a desi but for whatever I have understood after reading the posts, I think they are a good, compatible pair and understand that it would work out in the long term. But I also see that NK can be pissed off pretty easily (her reaction to my straight talk and that she wanted to stoop to my level), and that makes things fragile. She must not react in knee-jerk fashions when face with moral/emotional dilemmas. Am I assuming too much? Perhaps, but then I also like to see things working out for her/R. Or at least that is what I would wish for.
@NK, since you chose to write out in a public forum of this blog, I do not think I was in anyway wrong in posting a comment or two. I didn’t want to post after your telling me not to, but I had to defend myself when my comments were viewed out of context and would do so again if need be. Hope you figure out that its all in good faith.
March 6, 2009 at 1:16 pm
*shrug* Well, I tried.
March 6, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Thanks Gori,
. We sure have met our characters through our blogs!
Jasmeet: You seem really hung up on how exactly I view R’s mom (?). I know in traditional Indian culture children do NOT typically rebel overtly. I was and continue to be a VERY rebellious child–but for a purpose. I have a hard time respecting someone just because they are older than me. I had a bumper sticker in high school that said, “Question authority.” Ha. I know I always put on a respectful public face to elders and most tend to like me, but like I said, on the inside I don’t just automatically respect/do things for people just because they are related to me/a family friend/etc., etc.
Who knows? Maybe R likes me because of my “enough with the bull!!!” attutidue. I Treat people with the respect they EARN not because they deserve it simply because of who they are. My parents have to earn my respect and likewise, so this whole “kiss your behind because you are my auntie’s cousins friend” is a whole new thing to me. But I aint changin’ that either (at least on the inside).
So if I give an honest portrayal of R’s family being kind of tepid and standoffish to me…I make no apologies. And why do you care so much if his mom and I don’t hit it off? I don’t.
March 6, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Jasmeet, here’s a relevant quote regarding relationships and the past we superimpose upon them:
“With the concept of “relationship” come expectations, memories of past relationships, and further personally and culturally conditioned mental concepts of what a “relationship” should be like. Then I would try to make reality conform to these concepts. And it never does. And again I suffer. The fact of the matter is: there are no relationships. There is only the present moment, and in the moment there is only relating.”
Eckert Tolle
March 6, 2009 at 10:01 pm
PHL: that’s how I roll!!!
March 7, 2009 at 6:27 am
I do have a comment to make..
The more I think about it, the more disappointed I am in the statement “I lot of westerns also think that Indians in general are suppressed, sexually or personality wise. Personally, I see it as non-aggressiveness and not suppression.” For a fact now, and maybe it is I am attracting the “not-typical Indian man”, I have yet to meet a sexually or personality supressed Indian. I can honestly say that I have had more Indian men than American men infer on having a physical encounter with myself. I am quite appalled that I must have found the atypical ones that aren’t actually wanting a relationship or a “relating in the present moment..” with me, just wanting a physicality. As for whether American women wait for marriage or not, I held out (until nearly age 30) until I thought I was in a serious relationship WITH an Indian man.. he was my first and my last. I don’t intend to make the mistake I made before and fyi.. he was the one who pressured ME into it and didn’t want to wait. I see where that left me.. so in that respect, I am not sure men anywhere on this planet are any different, but all are out for one thing and one thing only.. some just turn out to be descent guys… that I have yet to meet.
March 7, 2009 at 8:59 am
@Ara:I would not know in detail what exactly ‘er talkin’ about here as I haven’t been tracing your comments. But I suggest you read this small piece by Naomi (http://blogs.hindustantimes.com/expat-on-the-edge/2009/03/04/being-in-a-relationship-with-a-gori/). She talks about the Indian Aunty mentality.
And you are right: A large number of Indian men won’t mind the physical relationship with non-Indian girls, but would eventually refrain from making a serious commitment. These very men would not (generally) approach an Indian girl for a purely physical relationship. Its like saying: its ok to have fun with the white girl but its not OK to have a serious relationship.
I’am personally a hater of such mentality. I detest it simply while having some ‘friends’ who move around with this mentality. (Another post here on the portrayal of white women in Indian cinema: http://kabab-mein-haddi.blog.de/2009/03/06/no-one-knows-india-5704405/). If you read the post, you’d realise where its all coming from. The white woman is easy notion and so on…
And the fact that they approach YOU can be interpreted as sexual suppression with the argument: is there a darth of Indian girls willing to do it?
I didn’t get it though: he pressed you into what? Marriage or physical rel.?
PS: Pardon my ignorance, I’m not fully aware of your living condition.
@NK: I am just like you, question every authority; it makes life difficult. I didn’t take me long to figure out your rebellious personality. The Pilot/tableau post just corroborated the perception.
@PHL: Dunno if you live in India or abroad: In either of the cases, the community feeling among Indians, no matter where they are, remains a prominent feature. Thus, the parental demand/expectations to conform to community’s social perceptions. Im personally not a big fan of these concepts, but do oblige to some as it gives me a sense of belonging. And no harm in doing so till the time they don’t barge on your personal space/freedom of choice.
Bolts,
J
March 8, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Sorry NK,
I guess I was just in a very crabby mood when I was reading that stuff yesterday.. and when I responded.
March 19, 2009 at 4:32 am
Crabby? Moody? Sassy?? Oh Ara, absolutely none of that is tolerated here!