Thanks for all your great comments on my posts!  There seem to be many more blogs these days on Indian/American relationships than when I started looking a year ago–lots of good resources and perspectives now!

So I titled this post “adaptation” because I wanted to write about how the chips are falling on my end.  After having the chance to get to know R’s family a bit, asking more questions, and feeling many feelings (good, bad, resentful, surprised), I think I have a decent sense of where R and my relationship is headed.  After the big reneg on the India invite, the “make a commitment!” demands from his parents, and their general “not knowing how to act around me” I was pissy and mad for a while that they just didn’t “get it.”  Allow me to let you in to the nitty gritty thoughts that went through my head: “They live HERE, not INDIA!  They should adapt (or have adapted a while ago)!!” “Those damn bloggers on CBC were right!” “Why won’t all my experiences/knowledge of India/Indians WORK here?!?!?!”  Call it the eye of the storm, or hopefully adaptation in my mind, but I’ve managed to get past must of this exasperation.  Here’s why:

I called up about 4 friends and explained my situation, bitched and moaned after R wanted to go see his family again and I didn’t.  The first 3 didn’t know what the heck to do, but the last gave me something I haven’t stopped chewing on.  She said basically, “Screw ‘em!”  I was like, “What?!  I can’t do that I have to work with this situation.”  She articulated, “Listen I’m not saying you need to start WW III here.  I’m just saying you’ve worked it A LOT for his family, really gave it your all…now pull back.  If R wants to go visit his family and you really would rather not…don’t.  Just don’t do anything you don’t want to any more.  You’ve done the very best anyone could have in the situation.  Now just chill and only do what makes you feel comfortable.”  And she added, “Just focus on your relationship with R and that’s all you need to do.”

So I decided, no more extending my caring and concern for R’s family farther than I wanted.  That weekend I let R go alone to his family visit.  I stopped asking about how his family was doing all the time and how they were feeling about our relationship.  I let him have his time with his folks and did my own thing — and it felt great.  I missed him, but now that we have been in the same city for a while, the break was fine and I would see him in a few days.  And I didn’t care if his parents wondered why I didn’t come either.  I’m just going to let them think what they want, not let it bug me so much, and do my thing.  Before talking to my friend, it tore me up a little that his parents/family made me feel so uncomfortable to the point that I didn’t want to visit.  But then I just let it go and let R go on his own.  Same thing with the India trip.  After thinking about all the drama and scandal that it would have caused if I went with him “uncommitted” I thought I’d just spare myself some discomfort.

And I am prepared to take this approach in the future, too.  If things don’t change between his family and I R agreed that we would not have to live close to them and we can do visits every 6 weeks to 2 months—not bad at all.  Maybe they can stay with us a few weeks a year, too.  I can handle that in the future.  As I said before, it’s not that his parents are mean to me at all–they are very sweet, respectable Telugu people…it’s basically their lack of understanding Western style relationships that kind of gnaws at me.  But hey, every few months, I can handle that for my prince.  And, they will have to tolerate seeing their son hold my hand and put his arm around me in the future too.

So that’s pretty much how I envision my working relationship with his parents at worst.  And who knows, maybe it could progress into something more and different.  Who knows, all I know is that we are content where it stands right now and I’m rolling with it.

R knows his parents like me otherwise they would be causing a shitstorm in his life.  That’s promising.  Also promising is that his parents ask about me and tell R to say “hello” to me.  I do they same when I feel comfortable doing it–not because I have to or out of desire to please them anymore.  I have respect for his family and am always cordial to them.  I may have my feelings behind the scenes, but it’s not in my nature to be rude to anyone’s parents regardless how they behave.  This has been extremely helpful as well.

Those are just some tips and ideas for those out there interested.  R and I are doing great!  Lately, it has been wonderful just focusing on all I have learned through him and through our relationship.  I am very content and happy.  This is remarkable for me as I sort of have a restless soul.  Most days I am just thankful to have someone so caring and supportive in my life–every day.  It’s amazing!  And with that maybe I should write a post just about him…

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