The Milano Has Landed!

I know a few of you might be still curious about how my relationship with R and his traditional Telugu family has been going, so I thought I’d check in.

We hung out with his folks, cousins, nieces and nephews for a good part of the weekend.  His dad and I actually had a real conversation which was very nice.  Of course I was paranoid that I was talking too much about myself, but R said it was A-OK.  I’ve come to realize that his parents really don’t talk that much to anyone and are really not used to discussing any topic that departs from the Telugu ways and family .  Though I still get a little annoyed with this, it’s not as bad as before. 

I think a major reason I’m doing so much better with his family is because R is pretty attentive to me.  When we are at family gatherings, he doesn’t babysit me by any means but he checks in with me, sits by me from time to time, and talks to me.  These are all radical things that many traditional Indian couples do not typically do in big gatherings.     However, one of the terms of my relationship with R is that I’m not marrying his family.  If all goes well, I marry R and by extension I owe his family some level of decency and respect.  But, his family is not my main priority.   So, I’m not going to entirely do the boys and girls camp thing at Indian functions either (i.e. I don’t marry the women!).  I’m in this relationship not for the family and culture connections, I’m in it for R.  Whatever I need to do for him I will.

I say that I will do whatever I need to for R because I know he will not ask me to do things that would cause me pain or make me uncomfortable.  As opposed to when we started this adventure two years ago, he is much more aware of my needs and I think has a genuine understanding of how I feel now. 

R’s mom also bought me a BEAUTIFUL present back from India!!!  It is an outfit called a tru-dee-dar (couldn’t find the spelling on the internet).  It is totally stunning and beautiful.  Though I really only say a few words to his mom here and there (exclusively about Telugu stuff), she smiles a little more around me and I think her gift is an incredible extension of warmth and caring.  I almost cried when she gave it to me.

And, I really gotta learn some more Telugu.  Sigh .  R has never said I had to, but even from the Spanish I’m learning, a few words, phrases, and most of all the attempt at a connection is an incredibly powerful tool when interacting with someone who was raised speaking a language other than English. 

Though I still get kind of annoyed with R’s family’s sort of “So what have you learned about our culture attitude?” versus “Tell me about yourself, we’re interetsed in getting to know you,”  I can tell they are trying.  Intellectually, I know this is hard for them–very hard.  Emotionally, I admit, I’m still a little like “get over yourselves!” 

All things considered, I feel my relationship with R’s family is moving in a positive direction.  I’ll sign off with a funny story…

One of R’s nieces asked if I had a baby in my belly because her aunts are pregnant (and maybe I’m fat, whatever).  I said, “No not yet…but I will be if R hurries up and marries me!”  Then his other niece says, “That’s what my grandmother (R’s mom) always says too!!!”  R and his cousin roared.  Perhaps R’s mom and I are more on the same page than I think! 

Hi!  It’s been a while. 

I felt inspired to write after a certain, mind-blowing concert R got me front row tickets to: Leonard Cohen.  The dude is 74 and rocking it more than ever.

Cohen is perhaps one of the greatest lyricists of our time.  You can read some great concert reviews by much better authors than myself, so I’ll just write a bit about how Leonard Cohen has affected me.

It’s funny that I’m reading the book “The Girls of Ames” around the time of the concert.  While the book is a nice, sweet read about lifelong girlfriends, it has acutely reminded me of my kind of loner, hanging out on the fringe ways in high school and in some ways still today.  These girls told stories of their first kisses, dresses, and dances.  It’s fun to read, but I can’t say I experienced much of that.

One of the best things I discovered in high school was Leonard Cohen’s music.  While all those perfectly natural coming-of-age things were going on around me, I was cocooned inside my room littered with art, various colors of Christmas tree lights, and incense listening to Cohen’s words and deep, drowning voice.  He really spoke to me.  I memorized his words, his poems and at different times in my life they have resurfaced and have fit into my life in surprising ways. 

I was into art a lot back then.  My favorite class was art and my teacher would let me listen to my headphones while I went at my own pieces in the back of the classroon.  He didn’t let everyone do this but I remember the sheer joy and loss of time I experienced as I made art.

I remember him saying I should really apply for an art scholarship, but I declined saying that my current profession was a much more practical option.

For me, there was no half-assing art.  It was something I would get lost, consumed in or it was nothing at all.  So I sort of gave it up and now only dabble in it here and there when I have a large chunk of time to burn.

And so, being engulfed in art feels dangerous now.  Like Cohen.  You can’t have-ass it.  You have to surrender to it, be it, entirely and completely.

They don’t call ‘em crazy artists for nothing.

So I ended up taking a more stable road.  Cohen reminds me of those passionate, dreamy, and intense times though.  Despite his admission to taking several drugs for anxiety and depression, he reminds me that thoughts, ideas, and art can sustain one for 74 years. 

At the end of the concert, R told me to get up to the stage to shake Leonard’s hand.  I made it and when Leonard paused for a handshake I said, “You’re amazing!”  He smiled the smile not of a crazy artist but a serene old man.  It was a thrill.

Thanks for one of the most memorable nights of my life, R.