So I should start this off by saying that R and I both wanted to do something very unique for our wedding. When we choose to have it in Tirupati, a holy mountain in India, we felt it was off the beaten path and at the same time would please his family and community. Normally, R would have had the wedding in one of the smaller towns — so the sacred mountain seemed like an adventure.
I jumped at the Tirupati idea early on because 1. I’ve been to India! I know what I’m in for. 2. It will be so cool to get married in this way — how unique and interesting! 3. I’ll win major points with his family! How could I not?! 4. Other people can plan it for me — no problem! Takes stress off of me!
What I’ll say is that I haven’t landed where I thought I would (a common theme in intercultural relationships I am certain!). Solo backpacking in India is VERRRRY different than staying with a community, your future family, and operating on their terms (which can be sort of stifiling and annoying). His parents actually said, ever so nonchalantly, that they would have actually had the wedding in the US (!!?!??!?!). Even though 200 of the guests will be theirs, and 90% of their friends are going/will be in India, they said they would have actually rather had it in the states. And though it’s great to not have to worry about a pantload of minor things (photographer, decorations, etc.), it is not fun to be told what you will wear every day, where you can sleep, how to wear your make-up, your hair, that you need to give them money to buy a necklace because it is a part of their tradition, etc. It’s also not fun to get zero props for what you are doing — R gives me props — but his family just kind of acts like it’s not big deal for me to turn over my wedding to them. So basically, since we’ve gotten engaged (and R sister’s was the one to bring this up) I’ve had a list of orders barked at me by his family and not a whole lot of support or a smidgen of gratitude. All the while, I don’t have big family support from my end. So, in short, it hasn’t been all that swell.
So why I am doing all this? As one of my good friends said, “Geez I thought it was going to be a simple ceremony on the mountain top.” Sadly, I did too.
The good parts are that I know this is really something R wants. I won’t have to go to work for three whole weeks, the wedding/family part is only 7 days, and I will have my dad and a few friends there. Yes it is my wedding, and ideally I would have done something much, much more blended, but I committed to it 7 months ago. And who knows, maybe it will end up being cool. I do LOVE all the parts of the Hindu ceremony itself — I think it’s quite beautiful. It just happens to be unfolding in the midst of a shitstorm 
. In August we are having a reception at a fun brewery back here in the states and a Catholic blessing in a botanical garden — both of which I get complete control over. So I guess this works.
Also, from what I gather about modern Hindu couples, this is the NORM. I hear there are even worse engagment times where there are blow ups, disagreements, and uncertainty whether the wedding is even going to happen or not. It could be much worse.
What I also take from it is advice I now have to give other people and ideas they might be able to use in planning their own intercultural wedding. I would really say if you are a modern person and the family is uber-traditional you really can’t trust the family to know your needs or do things according to them. Part of it is they just don’t understand how modern relationships work — where couples plan their own future together, communicate, and compromise. To them, they are used to taking top-down orders from the priests/elders (much like they view I should) and implementing them. Beyond that the “orders” from the elders/priests seem to be able to change on a dime which can leave one feeling very helpless and exasperated if you ARE trying to follow suit and show respect to their customs. Not my cup of tea.
And, I need to remember, the wedding is only a snapshot of R & my relationship. It’s not the definition of who we are and what we’ve worked so very hard for in our relationship. I’ve really made it clear to R that we will not be doing things in the exclusive traditional Indian fashion long term by many means. I already know it will be a while until we go back to India and again I have outlined my space/privacy needs for the future.
So everybody — send up prayers to the gods that I get through these next few months and can get back to the regular, chill life I so much enjoy with R!
April 15, 2010 at 10:14 pm
Just found this on Big, Bad, Blonde Bhau’s website — oh how I can relate!
When my mother-in-law-to-be called and told my husband that she had gone out and bought thirty saris, including my wedding dress, something in me panicked. The part of me that had been thinking “weddings schmeddings, who cares about weddings, they’re ridiculous wastes of resources anyway,” was overcome by a voice saying “Oh shit. I’m getting married in a foreign country in a wedding ceremony I’ve only seen in movies and I’ll be dressed up like somebody else’s idea of a bride.” My laid back attitude was beginning to melt away. Suddenly, I wanted some control. I had heard about other people having fusion ceremonies, half Hindu half Christian, and people having dresses made up from white saris. But the people planning this wedding, namely my mother-in-law-to-be and the man we call the dirty uncle, would not allow for such things.
April 20, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Hi NK,
My “choice” of Tirupati was quite different. My ML thought her son could get married there and therefore there was no discussion about it, decision made, period. A. did try to argue about it, but there was too much drama involved.
So the plan is to go from Hyderabad to Tirupati on an overnight train and from there some of the guests (me, A., his parents, my mother) will walk up the 12km to Tirumala. The rest of the guests will take the bus up to Tirumala (where the temple is). We will all stay at a hotel reserved by A.’s family and hopefully the wedding is the following morning (auspicious time between 7 and 9am – so we have to be there before that). Maybe in the afternoon (otherwise next morning) we will go to the main temple. This shocked and awed me last time I went… people waiting in line for 26 hours just to get into the temple! Last time we got an “express Darshan” and waited “only” 6 hours instead. We are going to take the short cut again this time.
Then it is time to go back down the mountain to Tirupati and back to Hyderabad. There might or not be a reception there (pending family politics). After that we will travel with some foreign guests to Delhi, Agra, etc for a week. After that we hope to get to Himanchal Pradesh (since it seems to be the only cool place in India in July) and then some more days at his parent’s place in Hyderabad.
I’m actually getting there 2 weeks before the wedding and not completely sure is this is a good idea
But traveling around Hyderabad is always nice as well, so we just “have” to escape for a few days. In total I’m staying in India for 40 days. What are your plans in India? How long is your trip?
April 20, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Hi Samba! Thanks for the GREAT post! I will be in India from June 12 – July 4. YOur blog is cute, too. What are you getting your phd in? I didn’t respond to your last question re: warning friends about India. I would kind fo give them the scoop on India (i.e. it’s not that easy to navigate and has many challenges) but it can also be fascinating and rewarding… I will write more later!
May 24, 2010 at 7:15 pm
Hi NK,
How is the wedding planning going? When are you leaving for India?
Cheers!
May 25, 2010 at 6:35 am
I love hearing about all of our Tirupati plans. What a blessing we can all discuss our unique situation. I am getting married in Tirupati a couple weeks after you, NK. It was my in-laws idea. I have surrendered – at least in terms of the sarees my inlaws are buying, the travel arrangements, etc. We’ll be having a reception in the USA after, so that is my chance to shine and make the experience very personal and do it my way. I feel like we can bend and flow in India, and then be as bridezilla as we want in the USA.
Your plans sound lovely and I am excited to hear about them! Personally, I am dreading things like the long waits in the temple and the general craziness of travel in India. I feel like, cover me in as many sarees I didn’t pick out as you want – just let me have some air conditioning! 
Yes, I’m a pampered Amru.
May 25, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Hi V! Great to hear from you! Just make SURE you get COMPLETE control over the reception in the States and don’t let them pull a fast one on you — my in-laws tried to take my reception from me too. Sigh. I am excited for Tirupati — but it has required me to relinquish all control. It’s annoying, but the goal is to get married, so onward ho!
June 4, 2010 at 5:12 am
Hey NK, I just happened by your blog (came through) GoriGirl’s.. and I HAD to mention, this IS the norm. Weddings in India are about Society, Family expectations(and by family I mean long-lost relatives coming out of the woodwork and expecting their desires to be accomodated.. I swear at many points in the process I felt like asking “Who the hell are you and why are you involved in planning MY wedding!”) And if it sounds like an I’m from an inter-cultural couple, guess what, I’m not! My boyfriend(now husband) and I are both from India and belong to the same caste and sub-caste(ah fate!), and we still had a million problems with the wedding. The bride and the groom’s desires are pretty much at the bottom of the priority list – wedding planning is directed more at the guests’/relatives happiness than yours’ – people should go away saying how well everything was arranged and “our culture was so beautifully presented”, and the family’s status was maintained, .. Oh I could go on forever!
Bottom line is, both of us kept it in mind that this is Just One Day, and we have the rest of lives under OUR control. Though if left to us we would have just skipped it, and done a registered marriage- I realise you do have dreams for your own wedding, but I would advise that you save those for your reception in the states. It is a very cultural thing, Brides in India do NOT plan their own wedding-it is traditionally the families who do aalll the planning. Which brings me to another point you mentioned, that they don’t seem to have any gratitude for you having handed over control. It probably hasn’t occured to anyone that you might have wanted control, or indeed that you should have any! While all this sounds extremely backward/old-fashioned, families in India are all feeling like their traditional values are being sacrificed at the altar of progress, and they find that weddings are a great place to unleash all the “culture” they would like to preserve – because it is an event that will include extended family and probably one that will be talked about for years to come..it also helps ease the guilt of not being as traditional as they think they should be…
Ok, I’m going to stop now. Like I said, I can talk forever on this topic, it is a pet peeve. But I just wanted to offer you a different perspective from what you are perhaps used to, so you don’t feel like you are being singled out for bad treatment, or start feeling resentful of your future in-laws.. Hope I helped a little.:)
June 4, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Dear D,
What a thrill to get your email! It is EXTREMELY comforting to hear these stories when it comes from same caste/same language couples! It just goes to show that these types of things dig at the core of many women, not just those who are non-Indian (and I say women especially since I truly believe women bear the brunt of much of this old world thinking/responsibility to maintain the culture/etc.).
After 3.5 years of trying to put this puzzle together I truly believe the more modern, liberal, and worldy the family the easier it will be for anyone to fit in. The families that come to the US, proceed to live here for decades, and build a fence around themselves believing that there will not be compromises, or should not be, tend to be the most problematic when any semi-modern couple tries to marry, craft a life together, etc. Add on the layer of the oldest, dutiful son who does genuinely love his parents and an often strong-willed, feisty modern girl such as myself who he loves just as much (if not more
), you have the perfect storm!
So the wedding is in something like 15 days — we fly out in a week. I wanted to write a post about how things are going. My concern is more the long term. I HOPE, as you say, and as I’ve heard from several sources that the family lays off after the wedding. The idea is that in the Hindu tradition after the parents see the son/daughter off in the wedding the married couple then gets to decide. This doesn’t make sense with the total old world tradition of the new bride moving in with the family, however, it’s what I am hoping my in-laws can grasp (I’m told this will happen).
Sigh. It’s just a lot of work. After over three years of this I realized I don’t know any other way to be though — any other set of challenge to work through. I guess it is just my path.
Anyway, please comment more on here or feel free to guest post! Your insight is very welcome and extremely valuable. Thank you.
June 7, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Man….can i ever relate: although to some extent, it’s MY family pulling the “remember you are indian” card out -despite growing uphere, despite not really having very many close indian firneds, suddenly it’s time for a multi-grand$ wedding with 2/3s of the people being my parents friends, and 1/3 or less being my husbands family. (and this all started when my dad said months ago, let me know how mnay of his side are invited so we can invite the same. it’s an indian wedding we need to have representation…well his family lives out of town so many couldnt make it, which my mom took as a sign to invite MORE indian people to make sure the hall was full. (“but it’s an indian wedding! (and a polish one -with nothing polish about it now), we have to hold our heads up in society! )
oh yes. and my FH and I are paying for the wedding. because we are the only ones who can afford to pay for something on this scale: a scale we never ever wanted.
argh.