A few readers have been wondering how my wedding plans are going. I’m excited for Tirupati and the inevitable adventure that is coming up.
Things are going fine. None of the players in terms of my in-laws, new family have changed, but I’ve changed. I still struggle with what I’ve realized is their own fears of losing their son and using passive-aggresive means to preserve this — however conscious/subconscious they are. To boot, R is very slow to pick up on this.
For me, realistic acceptance is what I’m working on. I will work on to changing me, to change my responses all the while maintaining the boundaries I have been clear on. I will work to not be the victim anymore.
After the wedding R is no longer a son first. He is a husband first. And I am a wife first. My family seems happy to propel me into this new life, but it is obvious that R’s family is still pulling at him, desperate for him to be the perpetual son/cousin/brother/etc. R’s role will change drastically, whether they like it or not. This is the reality.
I have leaned on my family more in the past few months and realize they aren’t so bad afterall. My dad offers really solid perspective without taking sides. Seriously, he really loves R and sees the struggle with his family playing out. My dad thinks he is a wonderful man, and that in the end, he’s going to go with me.
As the growing pains continue and as we work to solidify a solid union protected from others, we take the most important step that unlocks the key for everything else: committment.
June 9, 2010 at 4:59 am
It’s a special kind of hell, being an American woman dealing with Indian in-laws. At least, in my case it is. Some days I get severely depressed realizing I’m going to have to deal with these people the rest of my life. Even here, just a couple of months out from our Indian marriage (and 2 years after finding out about me) my MIL still cries, laments, moans, and talks about the crores of cash and property her son missed out on. FML? I don’t feel this way all the time, but I think it is IMPORTANT for us not to silence and censor ourselves when we feel overwhelmed. I’m glad you are blogging about everything! Please keep it up! And I’m proud of all the progress you’ve made – we’re in such a unique situation. You are correct that changing you’re responses is the best and only thing you can do. And, I’m glad there is a little club of women who can nod knowingly when we share our stories. Our conservative inlaws may want to silence us, but silence need not be our response.
June 9, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Oh V, I had to chuckle about your message a bit — “a special hell.” Though my “special place with the in-laws” has not been as overtly oppositional, the more suble snubs have certainly been there though (some real, some imagined). But my brain has been on overdrive – I tend to be quite cerebral. Thanks to a few coworkers I got my hands on some pieces of meditation material and stuff that seems to be helping. It’s a lot of noise — a lot — and it isn’t your own but I’ve got to find better ways of dealing…