I’ve known some of your for quite some time.  Years now, in fact.  We are a little community of mostly American women who are engaged to or married to Indian men, traditional or otherwise.  Other fabulous people have come across our blogs and given invaluable insight — Indian women who have had the same struggles as us even when married to another Indian of the same caste/language, women who are just starting to form a relationship with their Indian man, and finally, even some Indian men have come along who offer their insight.  However, over the past three years, I have noticed that these issues really affect women to their core.  When men write/comment/etc., it seems very detached, explanatory, or logic is often used to attempt to explain why Indian culture is the way it is.  For women, I have noticed there is a much more visceral, emotional response to families who have rejected us, challenge us in passive/aggressive ways we can’t quite put our fingers on, and families who refuse to hear our sides, or validate our life experiences.   Though some of you may not agree, I argue that women, for the most part, are the ones who really get hurt.

For the large part, the women who I have encountered on these message boards about Indian/American relationships have been open-minded, willing, curious, and have tried damn hard to work and compromise with Indian families.  Perhaps most significantly, I’ve noticed that the women I’ve met on the blogs seem to never give up — they keep at it, keep trying to make it work, again and again.   

I’ve worked really hard on my relationship with R.  As most of you know, R is from a very insular, traditional family that does not make much effort to learn new things or to really understand those different from them.  It has been a real struggle, and this blog is a place where I have spoken freely about those struggles.  When I started this 3.5 years ago I was much more open and willing to listen to their side.  But after much time, thought, and deliberation, I realized the likelihood of them changing is very slim.  Last week I was so frustrated and told my friend, “I’ve worked so hard and nothing has changed!  They still say the same ignorant things!  They still snub me!”  Without flinching, she looked at me and said, “But you’ve changed.”

I really let that sink in, “I’ve changed.” 

So, I’d like to tell you the ways I have changed since I met R and where we are now.  There have been ways R has changed too, and I know will be changing the future, but this is his work.  For the most part, with him, I have to be patient.  For now, let’s focus on my changing, as it is really the most control I have.

1.  I no longer feel the need to learn how to cook foods R’s family does, wear all the traditional clothes, speak Telugu, and overall “blend” in.  I’m never going to blend in, and no matter how much I try, and it’s truly never going to be good enough for R’s family.   More so, it threatens my own identity that I’ve basically worked my ass off for my whole life.  It was suggested to me that I be very careful about these aspects of taking in the culture and I now see why.  I don’t have to cook a curry or wear a bindi to be a good, decent person worthy of conversation and care.  I’m likable just the way I am — it’s the person R fell in love with — and I realize now I want to stay just that way.  If the spirit moves me to cook some Indian food, or visit temple, I will.  But I won’t do any of these things to please R’s family anymore. 

2.  I have learned how to say no.  When a cousin wants me to come out 2 weeks before my wedding and babysit her kids, or R’s family wants us to drive 8 hours two weeks after we saw them last, or if R’s mom says she wants to raise my kids, or if they need a big loan, I can say no then and there.   I am still practicing how to do this — so is R.  There will be a lot of no’s I will need to dish out in the future too.  I am not naturally a “no” person, but R’s family just asks so much of us.   So it’s something I have learned how to do and will need to continue to do.

3.  I can take time-outs.  Even though the Indian standard of showing respect in R’s family is camping out at someone’s house for hours on end, without talking a lot of the time, bored out of your mind, etc., I can take time-outs.  I can go and get coffee for a few hours (R’s family would probably love to be alone with him anyway) and just give myself needed space despite pressures or requests.

4.  Our house will be our house and our kids are our kids.  R and I will decide the rules and conditions around such. 

5.  There’s no need to hide the elephant in the room any more.  I’ve decided to just talk about differences as the come up — not sort of sweep myself under the rug as the white person anymore.  I can share my experiences, and where I come from, even if I don’t get the response I would like. 

6.  Empathy for those who have been rejected because of their race, color, or creed.  I never thought as a white girl from a small town that I’d be on the receiving end of prejudice and ignorance.  I thought I could just flit through life fighting these things without ever knowing how they truly feel.  I don’t know how it feels to be rejected by society at large because of who I am, but I do know how it feels to be rejected by your future family — an arguably more intimate, searing rejection at times. 

7.  That I’ve let R’s parents, family, and culture just take up too much of my mental mind space.  This is one I’m working on too, to let go, to accept things realistically.

7.  It’s so damn true that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I really think R is the strong, compassionate guy he is for putting up with this kind of stuff his whole life — whether he knows it or not.   Going through this has made me tougher and I don’t sweat the smaller stuff as much anymore.  I have also cultivated a pantload of communication and relationship skills that I never dreamed I had.  There is something to be said for going through the fire, and coming out on the other end.  

And here’s stuff I’m still working on:

Since I started this journey I have met several lovely Indian elders who have asked open and curious questions about my relationship with R.  They have expressed that they know their children grew up in this modern culture, often have a hard time understanding their ideas, but would like to learn more, would like to listen.  I can’t help but be a bit resentful when I meet the more modern Indian family.  I feel like R’s family could have done the same or could do the same.  I feel like a more modern family would have embraced me more and acknowledged my sacrifices, willingness.  Again, I have to realize that this was not and is not my path.  My challenges, our challenges, are our own and I can’t think “What if…” anymore.  However, I am thrilled to know there are Indian elders out there who give me hope for the future — hope that intercultural relationships will be accepted more and more within the Indian community.

Lastly, to end on a positive, here’s the most important way in which I’ve changed:

I say with total conviction and truth that this is a love that has been hard-won.  R and I aren’t living some fantasy life in the movies, nor are we deluded that our challenges are going away.  We are well aware that we have toughed it through storms some couples never face in a lifetime.  And though we know there will be more challenges, we have something that is incomprehensibly special.  For that, I have a lot of gratitude and am honored to be R’s mate.  

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I know some of you are dying to hear about the ACTUAL wedding (I know the FUN stuff — but come on blogs are about narcissism and brooding!! I kid…)  I will try and put something up re: our actual itinerary — it’s going to be NUTS — I don’t think I’m going to sleep for 8 days straight!