Updates on Life

Hello out there! One of my favorite blogger buddies from the past, D, just commented and I was so inspired to hear from her (D please email me and keep in touch!) that I wanted to write another post.

R & I have a home now and are happily married. But the problem has never been us. Buying the house was great yet we had a lot of requests of his family to see it right away, rearrange our kitchen, etc. A word to the wise: marriage does not change everything for the Indian inlaws and family. They have eased up on R and I to some degree I think… but I am still challenged to feel I married R and not them.

The biggest issue is my MIL. In short, she still sort of behaves as if R is her little husband. If he doesn’t call for a few days she will yell at him and ask him where he’s been. When we got the house she asked to move in with us for a while (and she has a living, very kind husband to boot). She wanted to come over the first day we got the house and has told R he doesn’t care about his family (namely, her anymore). There are a few more strange and awkward instances with her but ultimately I think there are some real issues of enmeshment here. It is not a dynamic that is easily changed, either. I imagine several, oldest Indian sons have similar experiences to R. Mostly, I just feel bad for R. I feel that he gets beaten up and somewhat manipulated and I can’t do anything about it. It’s hard because I’m a protective wife who fiercly loves her husband. Instead I have to be exceptionally nice to my MIL and not cause waves. R’s family, and basically the stronghold my MIL has on them, is the source of 80% of our fights. Other than that – as it has always been – we are a great couple who really enjoys one another.

Pre-marriage I kind of put up with the MIL as is. I figured things would change somewhat post-marriage, and although they have, my MIL still ends up being a huge source of contention between R and I.

I remember her saying to R at the beginning of our marriage that she “doesn’t want to come between R and me.” When I told my very quick and sassy friend this, he said “she just did.” And that’s the best way to describe it.

R and I do OK fending MIL off right now. It’s not ideal and it’s my belief that R should send stronger messages. However, R sees them about half as much as he used to so I try to consider this progress and try not to push. I do know he talks to his family almost every single day and that the dynamic, perhaps the most important thing here, hasn’t changed significantly. Even R’s family comments on how he is his mom’s favorite. My dad had a great response to this one… “What about her husband??”

I don’t know what to do sometimes. Mainly I try not to think about it and be happy with the boundaries R has put in place. The biggest issue for me is contemplating having kids — I think the dam is going to break for MIL and she will pressure R so hard. She already acts like R is her main man around me – she thinks it’s OK to show affection with him around me but that R & I can’t show affection to one another — I can’t imagine dealing with these behaviors when I have a child. Will she think the baby is hers and R’s? Will she use our child as ammo to further penetrate our lives? How much pressure and stress can a couple take considering these questions? I’d love to hear your thoughts dear readers. Best, NK

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Barani Says:

November 20, 2011 at 1:45 am

All Indian mother-in-laws are like that
When you marry an Indian, you marry his extended family

Telegus typically marry their mothers-brothers-daughter or fathers-sisters-daughter. The extended family is already related in multiple ways

For a typical telegu family, the mother-in-law is already the aunt and well before marriage, the daughter-in-law / niece, has made a good relationship with her aunt / future mother in law

Yes, there will be pressure to have 2-3 kids, very soon, especially male kids
Indians are very dynastic and want children-grandchildren-great grandchildren.

Yes, the entire extended family will intrude in raising the kids, but they look upon it as doing their duty

NeoKalypso Says:

November 20, 2011 at 11:39 pm
Thanks for your feedback! I have spent years reading about these cultural norms and how I can accommodate my husband’s family, but am changing my approach to something that is more comfortable to me. I also have norms and traditions and my extended family raising my kids isn’t one of them. My husband knew this before I married him. At the end of the day these are modern times and shame on anyone, elder or otherwise, who comes in between a married couple. End of story.

Q Says:

November 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

Funny how I am the Pakistani in my Pakistani-Norwegian marriage and his mother sounds a bit like your MIL and I’m the one who doesn’t like interfering in-laws. So much for cultural stereotypes huh?

Hope you can find your way through this. I haven’t had much joy as hubby sees me as the one with problems not his mother. She still refers to him as her boy – at 38! :-/ It sounds like your other half at least acknowledges things aren’t ideal.

NeoKalypso Says:

November 29, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Hey Q! Thanks for the comment and welcome! You are 100% right to not stereotype — people have difficult MIL’s the world over. The one thing I pray is that will not create so much havoc in my children’s lives when they are adults and not “boys” or “little girls” anymore. What is becoming more clear to me is that is isn’t “just the way Indian culture is” as Barani asserts, it’s rather many Indians or other cultural groups do tend to use their culture to camaflouge what are essential growing pains. Sons need to detach from mothers. Mothers need to detach from sons. Otherwise you end up with archane models that are supressive to young women, inappropriate intergenerational bonds, etc. I don’t know why it’s “ok” for Indians to not let their kids grow up and treat them as responsible adults. It’s just that it has been an accepted norm which is mediated by culture.